23 May 2004

Well apparently my last entry was based on an over-analyzing mind. Jeff was simply busy and doing his own thing. He seemed genuinely shocked and confused to find that I was upset.

Infact, he did what he always did and I ended up feeling worse. So not only did I feel horrible all week becuase I thought he was ignoring me. I then turned into the "bad girlfriend" for having thought these feelings at all "unfairly" punishing him with my anger and disappointment. Of course.

Once I found out that he was just...busy and that's why we hadn't hung out or talked to each other it didn't immediately wipe clean all the emotions I had been feeling. For a whole week I had been brewing inside all that emotional turmoil so to have it all summed up with a "misunderstanding" was hard to just break away.

Although I was fine to just say, "okay, my bad...let's move on" I knew I was dissatisfied and needed to say something. He's done this before and while...obviously I can't control if he's busy or even if he feels like going out every night with his friends--which I completely support (as long as he doesn't get too bummed when I don't want to go with him). But I don't want to feel abandoned and ignored.

Basically I told him at the very least just call me. We don't have to see each other everyday. But when we do for long stretches of a time...to just randomly (or so it seems to me) just disappear for a week isn't cool. And actually it was nice to have the time to just do my own thing as well, but if you're not calling me or not showing any affection for me at all it's going to make me think the wrong things.

When I explained he hadn't called me all week and that he hadn't seen me it was "my fault" for choosing not to go out Monday night with him (I don't know about 'fault' but it was my choice not go out--I went to bed at 10pm...probably as he was leaving so that wouldn't have been fun for him even if I had gone). But it didn't "excuse" him for the rest of the week. I could admit I wasn't exactly pounding down his doors to get together but I was at least trying to call and just chit chat a little.

I guess you could say my love tank was low. If you haven't read The Five Love Languages I would recommend it. There are some interesting ideas presented and I'm all about having cues and triggers to help you stay on track when you may be slipping. Anyway, your love tank is much like your car gas tank. To keep it going you need fuel and we are all "fueled" by different things.

My love language is "Quality Time" which is time spent investing in each other's interests and being. And actually, I think Jeff's language is QT as well--which why we can spend tons of time over and over again and we both kind of need it rather than getting sick of it.

But I'm getting away....My QT level with Jeff was definitly getting low and even just a call that would genuinely show that he was thinking of me not that I was an afterthought, or even...he hadn't thought of me at all. When I pointed out we hadn't spent any time or talked all week he was like but didn't we on [this day] or didn't I call on [this day]? And that almost made it worse...that he didn't even realize that we hadn't been together at all to the point that he thought maybe...we actually had!

I just needed a little more feedback. I am actually pretty happy on my own and can entertain myself for hours and be good. I know my level of "personal quality time" also feeds my own "love" towards myself and it all contributes to my well being. And if he's busy--fine. If he's out with friends--fine. But unless if he's talking to me I don't know what's up. So he said he'd try to be better about that when he gets busy to call me or include me somehow.

Which is fine, if it works.

My self-esteem has been plummeting lately. It's terrible. I feel like a generic girl...a generice teen girl. I know once the job picks up I too will pick up and I'm trying really hard to try to invest myself in something that is worthwhile at work because a lull should be an opportunity to "shine" not just use company time to surf for recipes (la la la?)

I can lead if I see the need or if everyone is dragging their feet and I'm frustrated to no end, but in general, i'm a follower. I'm an extremely hard worker and given a task I will do an awesome job, there's no doubt in my mind, but it is hard for me to just think of "something" to make myself stand out. I'm not ambitious in that sense. I don't care what other people think of me to that point, or to the level where I'm putting myself out there like that. I've generally been recognized in life and academics for doing well but it's a quiet determination that produces good work.

I can think of things that I would like to personally invest in myself but for my own interest and satisfaction not for any "show off" benefit to others. But I keep thinking this is my "resume/cover letter" booster opportunity where I can say something snazzy about boosting revenue or handling large budget with efficient success or creating a new program that increased membership, etc. Okay, so what exactly can I do to give myself that buzz?

I feel like I have so little authority. Even the projects I'm basically in charge of and do all the work on...I have no final say and everything I do is dragged down by reviews and checkpoints through other people. Although, I do consider myself having plenty of autonomy at work.

I saw a cardiologist this week. I've been having pretty bad headaches (the kind that pretty much make you useless but you can't sleep on it either) in association with heart palpitations. Both Jeff and my parents have urged me to see someone about it. I guess since I had an EKG when I was younger and they saw nothing and that ever since I've been told I would either grow out of 'em or simply have to deal with it as just one of those things that the thought of going through a long process just to be told "yep, there's nothing we can do" (and infact, we're beginning to think you might be kind of crazy!)

I do feel like a headcase lately. I have no reason to make up all the weird sensations and things my body seems to pop up with. They're quite unpleasant and I would like to them to all go away and just be normal. But I finally, called the doctor and was referred to a cardiologist.

Conveniently, I was actually having a heart palpitation during my exam so at the very least it showed I wasn't making it up. I've had them for all my life. Usually it's a light throbbing pain under my left breast where I can feel my heart beating hard and fast or slow and hard all with a skipped beat (1,2,3,4....5; repeat). The pain will sometimes pop up in other spots of my body in my ear, wrist, neck and sometimes as random as a place on my leg or abdomen. They can last anywhere from 5 minutes to hours.

Sometimes it'll hit me hard and fierce. Like someone is stabbing me and the pain is so sharp and severe lasting for 3-5 seconds whenever I breathe in even just a sip of air(which is a life time when the pain is that bad) that I sometimes wonder that if this is what a heart attack feels like...omg. Following the short, sharp stabs it then beats extremely fast and hard and the usual throbbing sensation will hover around for awhile. Those are bad.

Those are scary. And it seems like...I would hate to know they're causing some permanant damage (or any damage!) at all. They only happen every so often...I couldn't even guess how often maybe once every two months? While the other kind happen every other day if not every day.

So the cardiologist says that we all get heart palpipations and that some people are just more sensitive as to what's going on in their bodies which is why, perhaps, I can feel them. That didn't explain the sharp ones but anyway. So I'm getting blood work done next week (er, when's the last time I smoked, la la la...), an ultrasound to see if there's anything obviously wrong and then I'll get to wear a heart monitor for 24 hours where it'll record everything. Not that I want a sharp palp....but I would be really curious to see what that looks like on a monitor because it is such a strong pain...anyway.

So, I don't want anything to be wrong but if it's as easy as we're just gonna do 1,2,3 and you won't experience the palpitations again...i would be a lot happier.

I was PMSing really bad last night and I feel so bad for Jeff. I didn't know what to do. We hadn't hung out on Friday because he went out with friends (and I really was going to go, but then I got a really bad headache and just stayed in) so he wanted to spend time with me, but I....not that I didn't want to hang out with him but I knew I just felt so miserable inside that I wasn't any fun to anyone. I know that's not the greatest solution but I do feel it's better I just hide out until the symptoms pass.

I'm impatient, say every little thing that pops into my head, exhausted in one minute and overly antsy the next. I feel like crying almost constantly, over analyze everything, very sensitive and....I don't want to even be with myself let alone expose anyone else to it.

I wasn't sure what to do. I didn't want to go out...trying to be normal and functioning was hard enough. I didn't want to try to socialize with people who I find incredibly boring to begin with and drink on top of it after gorging myself with food all day long at an earlier family function. I was cranky and tired and I knew if I sat down to watch tv or a movie (which didn't sound fun in itself) I would fall asleep--which wouldn't be any fun for Jeff and then I was all stressing over ruining his night and....ah. It was not good.

I wished I could just honestly say, look, I know we were going to spend the evening together and I *do* want to hang out and be with you, but I'm not feeling so great and I'd rather you be able to do something else and have fun rather than waste a Saturday with someone who is cranky. (But if I HAD said that instead of him just being disappointed but understanding about this situation--it's not like my PMS mood swings are new--I just knew he'd be upset and make a point to show how I was rejecting him).

I was trying so hard to just be pleasant and loving but I felt gross and I didn't want him touching me. Sex was the last thing on my mind and....

How many times do you have to tell a boy that girls don't work like boys? Going straight to "main course" whether your intention is to get me off or what doesn't work unless if you've activated my mind somehow. I have a hard enough time getting 'gina wet enough to even have sex without having to add extra stress of just trying to get to that stage so he can have sex. I've told him before that I need to be kissed, and not just kissed but REALLY kissed. I need words, I need my mind to come to life and I reject him all the time which I know isn't good but it's like...

Yeah, that's nice when you kiss me down my stomach but it doesn't turn me on it just feels like I'm getting a message (infact it kind of makes me want to go to sleep, la). Sure, I like getting off but even if you can manage to do it when I'm cold and dry in the mind, it doesn't automatically mean I'll feel like sex even if I do come.

And I feel like I HAVE told him this before but it doesn't stop him from trying to do it again. And sex is almost stressful for me at this point because I concern myself so much with the fear that I won't be able to get wet enough that I can't possibly enjoy any of it and he continues to just try to get me off out of the blue...and I don't work like that. (And I know I should be grateful b/c he wants me to 'enjoy myself' but I just feel stressed by it) I've never worked like and I don't know what else do.

Argh, okay now I just feel pissy and frustrated. Good bye.