31 January 2002

I've been really busy...or else i'd be getting on you know?

I'd love to recap things of past, but I don't think I'm in the mood. I said I'd talk about Jason though, and here's the thing...

I had this biology class with this "alternateen" type guy who i thought was cute and we talked the first day of class, but after that we got split into groups and we never really spoke again. Flash forward a year or so and I run into him. Turns out he's a fraternity boy (what, Jeff isn't the only "alternateen/preppy" frat boy out there? ;) AND, he actually recognizes me--and i don't know recognize him at all...or I guess I should say I didn't pick him out of the crowd (blame it on Jeff-goggles...i don't seem to see any guy these days.)

Anyway, so we start talking and he's like we had biology together. At that point, I don't remember him at all. We small talk for a bit, then he has to go get someone a drink. I think he's cute and he was nice to talk to, but I still didn't place him. Later on, it hits me he's the guy in my recitation class that I hit on the first day. But anyway...

Later on some of the younger girls are hitting on him, and I tell him he should have talked to me more when we first me--and he agreed. But he said he was shy then. Anyway, I told the younger girls he was a catch, and told him he had to call them and go out. I don't know if he ever did though, cuz that was a while ago.

Oh yeah, also at this party (i dont think i've told this story yet...)

When I first get there, this kind of loud guy starts talking to me, and it comes off as the "typical" drunk college guy. I wasn't much interested...my negative face (sorry, it's a comm. thing) was being played, and I didn't feel like playing along with some drunk guy, when I have a boyfriend anyway. So we're talking, not really, and i'm walking away kind of "whatever"-ish, and he calls me back on something and we talk some more.

It gets around to our majors, and he tells me how he had posted a job opening at my (sorority) house for the place he works at. I told him that I was actually going to apply for it, and I began to walk away saying, "Well...maybe we'll get to work together some day." And *THEN* he says, well, actually, I'd be the guy hiring you!

AHHHH. Isn't that terrible? Then he goes on to say, "Guess you're not gonna blow me off now, are you?"

Lol. I was kind of laughing, and practicing all those com. save facing techniques trying to smooth things over. I guess I kind of was blowing him off, but it wasn't in a mean way. Besides, I told him that because I have a boyfriend I was acting that way because I didn't want to lead him on. (Which is partly true. I find if I talk to a guy at all, it's like he instantly thinks I want him.)

So throughout the rest of the night we danced a bit and talked, but I'm not sure how smoothed over it went. La la la. I still plan on applying though. what the hell, right?

Okay, for state route, i got a 4.0 last quarter. Pretty awesome, huh?! I can't believe I never wrote that in here...I had to. Hmm, well maybe not. Yeah, so I guess the pressure is up now.

Okay, he wrote, "Something for you to ponder: All your talk about

Bryan, in a non-sexual way, makes me wonder if all the sexual part was gone from your relationship with Jeff would you be left with a Bryan?"

And my answer? No way.

Bryan was unique in his only way. Fascinating by himself, and i'm sure most of what i made of him was idealized and what not, but either way the idea of him will probably always have a little burn inside of me.

Jeff and I have a much more, "normal" relationship. Bryan was a high, and it was highly passionate in the sense that everything was a new experience. I think, when Bryan felt the "new" was over, he dropped me. I mean, I know it was more than that, but I don't think it would be healthy to date someone, and act and think as i did with Bryan. IT was almost obsessive. And not just me...it was almost like Bryan's manic bahavior towards me, rubbed off. And it took this twist, he came on strong, then burned out, I began cold and cautious, and was just lighting up with wonder and curiousity when he let me fizzle out.

I am in love with Jeff, and we have a good solid commitment, one based on a lot of care, a good friendship. The openness I wanted to push on Bryan, the complete disclosure, the honesty...it wasn't normal. And that could have been a reason it didn't work either. I think Bryan had a lot of walls built up, ones he even told me (or even thought himself) weren't there. And instead of recognizing this utterly vulnerable and sensistive guy, I just kept pushing the limit. I had so many expectations. Maybe he did too.

I can think of things I did, things that probably hurt him, whether if he ever said it or not. But it's because he wasn't human to me. He was a dream, this insane window of exploration and splendor.

Hey, it was fun just having the short chance that I did to know him.

On another note: I'm twenty years old, with no sex drive.

Doesn't that suck? I swear, I would read in "cosmo" about women like me, and wonder how it could ever be. But truthfully as I feel right now, I could not have sex...and I think I'd be okay. I think Jeff and our relationship has got to this great point, and there really isn't anything wrong with it...other than the fact that I know it has to bug him that we almost never have sex. I just don't get...turned on like I used to.

Not to say i'm not attracted to him--because I am, very much so. I still think he's wonderful, AND when we're actually having sex it's perfectly fine and I enjoy it a lot. But getting to that point....that's the hard part.

I know this is gross, but it's like I can't get wet anymore. I know he feels like it's him, but it's just.. I don't know, nothing excites me like it used to. I know we just need to "liven" it up or something, but i don't really know how to. Any suggestions?

-ag