15 November 2000

Oh dear diaryland, how I have missed you! My life has been busy cramming in hours that I can sleep, do homework and see Jeff. (going to school, sorority things and eating taking up the rest of my time I think ;) but I have wanted to get on and chat about things, but just haven't had the time or motivation, yadda yadda to do it.

I wish someone could tape record my thoughts while I walk to class. A 15 minute walk to most of my classes, and they are filled with those fabulously wonderful mind tangents. Picking the most simple of subjects, randomly assigned in my head, just analyzing it, the world, myself. I'm in a constant philosophical conversation with myself.

I need a nap. Do normal people take naps at 9:30 at night, only to get up later to actually do things?

There's this big uproar about who's going to get and pick who for Greek Week right now. The event doesn't even take place until Spring Quarter. The sigma Chi groupies are trying to plan a raid but there's rumors they have already locked with other sororities, blah blah, I don't want to talk about this.

I am filled with stories, only to sit down and find myself speechless. Empty. I feel away from God.

I know I'm never away from her, but sometimes you start living just to live and you forget there's so many amazing things going on around you. I wish had motivation to go out into the world and learn about it.

I wish there weren't taboos. I mean, what a dumb concept. A big "somebody" that of which none of us can really point a finger at has some almighty ruling that we can't talk or discuss or do something, and it's like...who's telling us what we can't do or say? Why do we continue to live with the taboos of society?

Sometimes in the strides for personal privacy I think we just turn in on ourselves, when we really could be learning about each other.

I don't see how I could really be burnt out on school (I'm only taking 16 credit hours after all...) but I feel it. Or I don't know. I'm on my period. I'm feeling everything.

Jeff and I started giggling right in the middle of sex last night. Haha, or I guess I started it. You know how sometimes something...or even nothing just starts you off, and then you can't stop? It was fabulous. Then all of a sudden we just stopped, and sat laughing with each other.

I think I have a yeast infection. That's kind of grody. My mom was like, "yeah when you have sex....A LOT, it usually happens." La.

God, it seems, is not looking for followers so much as leaders. We can follow God, or we can lead others to God. The first course will change us, the second will change the world. FWG.pg.5.

Who has aglaia ever led to God? Has she even made it there herself?

Does it bother anyone else that people even bother to call themselves "Christian" or whatever religion they are, when they don't follow through? It's not even like most people like that try to be "holier than thou" by picking up on their own personal label, but it still bothers me.

Well Jeff that's great that you're Catholic.

Does it bother you that we have sex?

And we've only touched base with God and religion and I hope we can continue to explore each other's minds. I don't know how much of the catholic faith he really truly believes in. He's told me that he doesn't think God....cares about the little things that we do in our life. (Would that be sex God?) There have been two times that I've ever really asked him like "uhhh, doesn't it bother you that you don't go to mass or anything?"

And both times I got this poor little puppy dog "I've been bad, i'm so sooooorrrry," look. I think from there I dropped it. I hate guilt. I wish I could take that from him. I wish I could free him. Free everyone. I wish I thought in a more worldly way. I wish I could break out of this cycle of me me me becuase I think ultimately I'd be a lot more happier looking out for others.

I think it's frustrating because I would like to feel like I hold some purpose for this world. I want to do something that influences....perhaps not everyone, but I want to be important, I want to make a mark. I wish I felt like I had some direction, some Goal to strive towards. I have no idea what I want to do in my life. I don't really know what I like, what I can do.

I feel like I don't like and can't do anything.

Where do you go from there?

Therefore, the Master is one who always agrees with results, even if they do not appear favorable, because he knows that at some level he must have intended them. And that is why the Master sees everything as perfect. FWG.pg.117.

I think that's one thing I have changed a lot about in my life. I am so accepting of a lot of things going on around me. I can forgive others so easily. I find that I'm often the the one in the group who steps in the middle of the bitching to point out another viewpoint, or another option. I still firmly believe that there is no right or wrong--in anything in life.

You might call these the three great love-enders: Neediness, Expectation and Jealousy. FWG.pg. 160.

Yes. Yes. Yes. I try not to need. I live by myself, for myself. I really dislike being dependent on anyone. More because that *does* lead to expectation. And you can't rely on anyone. Expecations can lead to such great unhappiness with me. And Jealousy? I try my hardest to see beyond the feelings of jealousy. I think I've grown in the way I think about relationships...but how about friendships? I could deal with my boyfriend kissing another girl better than I could a girlfriend getting a better test score in class than me.

Okay, maybe not.

Not that I'm asking for myself to be tested, but...well, i've never really had to deal with anything like that. I think it's better to leave matters I've never truly experienced as that...something I know nothing about. It would also differ under any circumstance.

Nothing outside yourself can compare with what is within you; that no feeling you get from any exterior stimulation or source is anything like the total bliss of communion within. I tell you again, it is within that your bliss will be found. There will you remember once again Who You Are, and there will you experience once more that you have no need of anything exterior to your Self. There will you see the image of you, in the likeness of Me. And on that day will you need for anything end, and will you be able, at last, to truly love, and to love truly. pg. 166

Hey: anyone want a ticket to the Ohio State/Michigan game? Two hundred dollars. Any takers? Haha. I wish I was more into the game. I want to be all into my team. All into football...but I just....well, I'm not. So, two hundred dollars is looking mighty fine!

Get rid of your thought that love is about what you get in trade for what you give, and you will get rid of jealousy. Get rid of your claim on any other person's time or energy or resources or love, and you will get rid of jealousy.pg. 174

I need some new MP3's, have any suggestions (the g-book is up there.)

I'm gonna crash. Sorry this was pointless.