So my job is going along. It's better in a sense because I'm more familiar with the general idea of the organization, what they're planning and have a better idea of what my job is all about. On the other hand, there's still a lot that goes unsaid when I really need the advice, guidance and instruction still. And not just because I'm a naive 20 something in the workforce....I just simply couldn't know most of these things and no one seems to really care.

I'd like to do a status check with my supervisor but I'm too scared to hear what she has to say. Haha....maybe that comes down the line. Right now I feel like I'm swallowed with all the work I have to do. It's at the point where I have emails from a couple of days ago I still haven't gotten to, piles of work on my desk, a "to do" with important reminders of things to do scribbled furiously on notepads (forgotten in most of the piles).

I feel shame a lot of time as I finally get around to doing something that I discussed with someone last week--and I as I sit down to do it, realize I have some questions about it and have to go back to the person for follow-up (making it all so obvious that I haven't even started).

I tend to think of myself as an organized person but I'm having trouble keeping up and I haven't figured out a good way of prioritizing my work. It seems like I have so many things to do (and they needed to be done yesterday) and frequently it'll take me longer than it probably needs to be--well, because I'm learning a lot as I go and so it takes time to really get to know something and do it right!

And the meetings...bleh. I've heard of organizations that just kill you to death with meetings and I'm kind of wondering if my organization is one of them. We literally have at least three meetings a week--I'm talking a full staff get-together. Sure, sometimes they're only 15-30 minutes, but others go on for hours. How is anyone supposed to get any work done? I'm all for meetings (I am, ahem, a meeting planner) but a lot of this stuff seems to me could be written up in a memo and passed around in email and we'd all be better for it.

Sure you have your meetings where you really need to brainstorm things or bring the group together to refocus on some things but my group...it's like one person has a question and they call a staff meeting over it. It's ridiculous. We also have this stupid "up-to-date" meeting every other week to let everyone know what we're up to. I see in theory it's a helpful 5 minute/person chat where we can stay up to date with what's going on in the office and with each other in case if a member calls, etc.

BUT, most of what other people are doing are abstractly important to me (at best) which makes what they're doing/saying pretty much worthless. With nothing to attach it to there's not a lot I can do with what they're saying. And even if someone does call with a question all I have to answer is some vague notion that "Judy" is working on something about that....

Did I mention that I saw a hypnotherapist? I was intrigued with the idea and figured it was worth a try to help calm my obsessive-compulsive ways (specifically with my eating habits). I had done some research on the topic, narrowed down my selection from what Chicago had to offer and set up an appointment. I elected to purchase a 3-visit package. Like with the acupuncture this was something I had heard about but didn�t know anyone that had done it. It makes for some pricy experimentation but I figured it takes big risks for big results and why not give it a try.

I had booked the appointment on the basis I was looking for assistance in the weight loss department. I felt most self-conscious about the fact that I am not�.well, fat. I am, however, gaining weight over these past few years at a fierce rate and my whole mindset when it comes to food is extremely disordered and unhealthy. So, I felt sillier for going and not being obese or anything than even just visiting a hypnotherapist. So, the first words out of my mouth were a rush of explanations acknowledging that I didn�t think I was overweight, etc. but that I was hoping to gain a little more self-control and more importantly, not THINK about food so much. I mean, I really do think about food constantly. I think I said it before but it still holds true�.about a guy thinking about sex every so many seconds that�s me except I think about food. It�s an awful way to live and it�s tiring to *not* eat when it�s constantly on your mind. She claimed that I looked �like a supermodel� and that weight wasn�t an issue for me but acknowledged my concerns of obesity running in my family and wanting to set good eating habits/mindset before waiting for things to go south.

She took me through a process to become hypnotized and it was an interesting experience. We had talked a bit before she began to kind of get a feel for what some of my problems were and what I wanted to improve. I felt slightly nervous because there�s a part of you that wants to play along and see where it goes and another that wants to fight it�simply because it�s scary to kind of let yourself go. But, as I researched, I knew that I would be in complete control of my body and my actions and that hypnotherapy is not about taking me under where I don�t remember anything when I wake up, it�s just a deeper level where your subconscious is opened up to suggestions.

So she took me through this process and I believe I was successfully hypnotized. It�s like meditation but on a deeper level. As someone who is spiritually minded I found it to be a wonderful outlet for talking to god. She had me imagining myself on a beach kind of getting right with myself and I couldn�t help but feel like god was there holding me. It felt�I �remember� sitting there on the beach and just feeling so sorry in away for being away from god, from not taking that time to speak and think to that part of myself. It�s strange because often during the session I could feel my face twisted or expressing some emotion but I found I couldn�t really soften it. So here I was, just being calm, feeling relaxed and sitting with god�and I could feel tears running down my face.

It�s slightly humiliating because there�s this part of you that knows there�s this woman sitting there across from you watching you and another part that�s just in the moment of your vision and you really don�t care about anything else. There�s also times where she will say something and my mind or wander or I�ll think of something funny and it�s like�.can you be hypnotized and want to laugh at what she�s saying at the same time?

But my vision of where she had me were very real and easy to �view� in my mind. She took me through some different exercises and it was kind of fun. By the time I woke up I felt extremely light, refreshed, relaxed and�just simply happy. On my way back to the train station it began raining and it felt so�.fun? I don�t know, I just remember walking down Michigan avenue in this downpour�I mean the sky just opened up and crushed the pavement and just laughing to myself.

My second session was not quite as focused. I was tired from the night before and could feel my mind wandering around as well. Also, I don�t think I was hypnotized the second time around. She tried a different method and I don�t think it worked. I felt very relaxed and didn�t have a hard time envisioning what she was asking but, like I said I could just feel my mind wandering and not really working with what she was telling me.

My third session was this past weekend. Each session was 2 weeks apart. I didn�t find that her suggestions were really taking hold. She tried a new strategy this week. She used the original method to hypnotize me which I believe did work. And we had this very interactive �conversation� where I was asked to name and pull out two sides of myself. She literally gave them a name and spoke to them�it was so odd because there I was talking to myself, or about myself�.in the third person! It was kind of like the �good� aglaia and the �bad� aglaia and they were brought to trial to see what was going on or what I needed to do. Ultimately, the dark side of myself revealed that was deeply unsatisfied with a lot of things, unhappy, unfulfilled and that�s why I was turning to food, because it�s comforting, it�s something easy to focus on, and it allows me to bury my real feelings.

Really, I could have told you all that.

When this came to light she assumed I felt overwhelmed, confused and dissatisfied with my career choices and so she started giving me suggestions on how to improve and seek out what would fulfill me in that area. I know/knew that it�s not my job that�s causing these feelings it�s my relationship with Jeff and the general direction of my life. I feel pretty happy with my profession and while I can�t say I�m perfectly satisfied with my job right now it has very little to do with the actual tasks/responsibilities and more with just figuring out what I�m supposed to be doing and how to do it!

Gotta run�