How do you update your diary when your last entry was seven months ago? So much and so little has happened. A few highlights?
I ran the marathon in September in four hours, 5 minutes. I ran the entire time. It still seems a little impossible to me. I went thinking a 4:30 was both reasonable and possible and then I end up doing 4:05! I try not to be an ambitious runner because I get so depressed and disappointed when I don't meet my own expectations.
But, now with a 4:05 I admit that the idea of breaking four hours is a tempting goal.
Also in September a blow out occurred in my office during our Annual Convention. I'm still not exactly sure what triggered everything but the executive director left angry and ready for action. Then, the office restructuring began. Responsibilities and titles changed. A woman was fired, excuse me, "let go" and I found myself in a new position.
I had been told earlier in the year that I was going to be promoted to manager. There were a number of things I was excited to get more involved in. I was right on my career track and pretty pleased with how things were going. Then, all of a sudden that was changed. I was promoted. Except, into a different position.
It's not what I wanted but no one asked me. But that happened later, in December.
Prior to that, in November Jeff and I took another vacation. Our own little honeymoon to Italy since we spent Greece with the company of friends and family. We visited Rome, Florence and Venice. I liked Rome a lot except it felt a little fake. I had seen the Colosseum so many times in picture or in imitation that it seemed fake itself. I had to keep reminding myself it was the real thing. The Sistine Chapel is/was everything I wanted to be. I can only imagine what it must be like to be in that room, alone, looking up at the art. Beautiful.
Florence was....well, expensive and small and boring. We didn't have the money to get out of the main city and I have a feeling that it is the surrounding country that makes everyone ooh and ahhh. We had three days and we had gone around and around walking so much we actually visited a couple of places twice. The Dome is spectacular though.
Venice was perfect. I'm glad we finished up there because we both loved it. Ha, us and our canals. We loved strolling Amsterdam too. I don't know what it is about canals that are so attractive to us but we enjoyed our time there. In total it was a ten-day vacation and that is a long time to be away. We were both ready to come home.
It was a short stop at home as I left a few days later for a site visit in Boston. I was excited to have been invited to participate in a site visit and thought it was another indication of my promotion.
Unfortunately, not to be. A month later they told me that I would be replacing someone (even though technically this woman�s job had been eliminated it was really just a title change as I took it on) and my entire job description was changing. I was so sad. Disappointed I wasn't getting what I though. Sad for the woman who was leaving (who I feel was bullied out and didn�t deserve it) and I really liked her.
December was very busy for me. I was trying to pick up the loose ends from the girl that left. Trying to train a new person who was taking over some of my old job responsibilities. Work, work, work, stress, stress, stress. I've come to a place where I now leave work, work some more at home and keep it up all weekend long. I can't seem to catch up.
I've cried a lot. I'm not happy with the new position. I couldn't figure out if I was just in transition and that's why I didn't like the new tasks (too much new) or if I simply didn't like the work. I decided I just didn't like the work. It held no interest for me and I found myself constantly fighting inside for doing what I wanted to do (old job) and trying to take care of my new responsibilities.
I just can't seem to get invested in these new things and that's very troubling. On top of it I now work very closely with my executive director. I think he is one part brilliant and another part crazy. I like a lot about him. He's weird and I like weird people. I appreciate him being different and I think that's interesting. I also find that weird people are more accepting of other weird people, and in this world I think that's a good thing.
But back to the crazy part...he's done a lot of things I disagree with. The way he handled the annual convention and the things he said to staff�. I was so angry at him. I felt deeply offended and he wasn't even yelling at me. It's always been evident that he "likes" people in the office or doesn't. It's a silly game. Because of that people are a bit scared of him I think because no one wants to be on his bad list. I am a quiet person. But, when I have something to say, I say it. I say it very openly and very frankly. I try to practice tact but I also know that sometimes I just say what I'm thinking because...
...well, to me, it just is and needs to be said. There's been plenty of times where the crowd is quiet around the conference room at a staff meeting and I'm the only one speaking up and I think later, hmmm, was I not supposed to say that?. But in the end, that's my integrity. I don't play politics and I don't keep friends in company that do. My brain is so frantic and on constant worry alert that I don't have any more room to worry about that.
Anyway, I think he actually appreciates that I speak up. At least, that's what I tell myself. It's nice to have honest people around you. Or, at least one or two. The rest can kiss up.
So now in my new position I work very close with him and I am now at the whim of his crazy. I am really unhappy about that. We have very different styles of working and I have found it challenging to do what he wants without making myself miserable. But, when your CEO asks for something and he wants it now...really, what are you supposed to do?
I tend to be a "yes person" in that I will pretty much take on or do whatever people ask. I know it means I'm taken advantage of but I also want to be a helpful person. For me, to say no is something big. I don't do it often but when I do, I expect it to be respected.
These past few weeks he asked me to do a number of things. His requests were completely unreasonable and when I told him that I would work on his requests and give him and update by X date he basically told me �no� that he wanted it when he wanted it. When I confided in my boss (er, my old boss?) what was happening she also agreed it was unreasonable and when she asked him about it he said it was "a test."
What a fucker. And really, a test for what? What about all that talk about saying you wanted me to succeed in this new position?
When the original request came in I was literally on my way out the door in the morning about to get on a flight where I would be managing an event. The event was my focus. I needed to make sure things were set-up the way they needed to be, that my VIP were happy, that my attendees were happy, etc. Instead, the executive director is asking me to create an eight page report with all this historical data on things I don�t know anything about and oh, could you get that to me later on tonight for review? Completely not acceptable. I told him no and that I would work on it. But even that wasn�t okay. When exactly would I work on it? When I�m onsite I work the entire time, pretty much until I go to sleep. And I�m sleep deprived at that. It was terribly frustrating and stressful.
He's known for playing mind games. Another part of the "crazy" which I simply do not respect or appreciate.
Anyway, upon returning from my event he follows it up with another series of tasks which I again tell him no (which is killing me to do so). I state my case on why (completely valid reasons), tell him when I will get things to him (less than five days later than what he wants). Again, he just completely defies me and says he wants me to do what he wants and now. What�s worse is the material he wants is NOT urgent. Not even kind of urgent. Unlike the [other] things that I (should) be doing, which are.
This last episode happened this past Thursday. I was working from home and the exchange took place over email. There was a moment where I just wanted to call and say "I'm done."
That's it. He hit my limit. I very rarely get angry. I'm an emotional person but I don't really let things get to me where I'm actually mad. I was mad.
I was fuming. I felt violent.
This after just a day earlier he told me I could talk to him or ask for extensions on things since he knew he had a habit of asking for something (...by the end of the day). I don't get it. Why tell me that but then ignore me when I ask for additional time?
I am doing a job that I don't like. I am doing things that I have never done before so there is a learning curve on top of it. And now, I'm working with someone who is making me violently mad and deeply, deeply sad? I'm sick of the tears.
That final email he sent which was a follow-up to something else was...gross. His comment was so rude and hurtful. I'm sure his intent was to prove a point but I took it another way.
Little did he know that he just effectively ended my career with his organization. I was willing to take on this new job. The experience was an opportunity to learn new things. The job itself is not a bad one. But I can't work with him.
As soon as I can update my resume the job search begins. Hopefully this weekend. It's a shame. I liked my job. I loved my old boss. She's amazing and wonderful and a great person to learn from. My office comes with a lot of perks and benefits. My salary is excellent. But, I'm willing to take a pay cut to get out of this toxic environment.
The disengagement begins now. It will be hard for me because I care. I care about my job. I care about my organization. I know what a hard worker I am and any organization would be lucky to have me. But to survive until I get a new job I have to not care. I don't care what he says. I don't care about his behavior. I will continue to do my task as I know how and will focus on that but in a way I am able to free myself because he could fire me and that would be a relief.
When losing your job is acceptable then that makes whatever I do a little easier. Jeff has been telling me to quit for months. Ever since the "restructuring" began in our office back in September there have been a lot of tears on my part. The ED behavior at that point was very wrong (in my opinions). It wasn't necessarily directed at me but it disgusted me and it made me very upset. It was bad. To the point where pretty much after every staff meeting I would have to go to the bathroom to cry because I was hurt and sad and mad and just confused with where things were going.
I was hoping I could just stay in my bubble and enjoy the work I was doing but now that I work under him, for him, and apparently at his beck and call I'm out. I'm done. I don't want to look for a new job. Definitely not in this economy but I don�t think staying is the right thing when I feel so unhappy.
Ha. Yesterday the ED was working from home and he called me (yes, of course, about ANOTHER task he wanted done�before I left for the day). I just put a big smile on my face and said yes, of course.
He told me that he knew I was probably not very happy with him and that if I wanted to say anything I could. Nope, I�m good. What else can I do for you� He seemed confused by that. Since, I usually do speak my mind. But, whatever, I wasn�t going to fight with him anymore. I mean, you�ve already shown that you do not care about what I�m doing or why so why should I indulge you with my feelings just to have them ignored again? Pretending to care is worse than just not caring.
