I've been pretty cranky lately. I've also worked weekends and long days for...well, quite awhile now. I don't want to be one of those people who has to go into work on the weekends, specifically, I don't want to feel guilty if I'm *not* working on the weekends. BUT, what do you do? If the work needs to be done, if you have deadlines and you won't be able to make it working the normal hours...what are you supposed to do?

I know I should be submitting my hours for overtime but it's almost b/c it's an admission of "I can't do it" I feel ashamed for even asking. Plus, since technically i'm blessed with a 35 hour work week, I also don't think I should be complaining about the extra hours. BUT, it does kind of suck not getting paid for the work I'm doing. And I'm a hard worker and I think I'm pretty smart--I don't feel like I would do the job any differently...there's simply too much work for the time I have.

Regarding my previous entry...Jeff pretty much got the basics going for me and I filled in. It was a horrible experience...both for my own self-defeat in the fact that I couldn't do it on my own, plus that I was forcing my poor boyfriend to spend his free time doing my job, but ultimately, it was amazing how quickly everything came together once he got me going.

Now that I have a shell to work from, and not all the overbearing stress of getting something created, I had the time to work with the program, and I actually think I've picked up a lot. I feel relatively comfortable working my way around the program. Okay, so mostly just working around things that have to do with my project specifically, but I think now having done what I've done, I'd be a little more able to explore the other things the program can do.

Before it was just so overwhelming, different and foreign I didn't even know where to begin. It was a complete system melt down. It was not a pretty sight. What's scary though, is that kind of freak-out inside of me....what do you do about that? It's not a good place to be.

And speaking of, while I'm PMSing...it's definitly not a good place to be. My patience....is so shattered, I really am a mess. The smallest things can bring me to frustrated tears. Things that should NEVER matter create curse words on my tongue. I rarely curse. Even Jeff laughs at me when I do, because he says it sounds so awkward and forced. Today, though, I was cursing up a storm in my room [ahem, at work]. My door was partially shut...but who knows if someone heard or not. My angsty moans and groans at a slow system or something as silly as my online radio not streaming correctly just brought shrieks of inpatient rage.

And that's my "controlled" professional self. My poor family and boyfriend... thay get the wrath of Aglaia. Well, normally I'm a little more put together at work...but apparently I'm losing even that ability to keep it together.

I'll admit, I'm stressed. I'm not feeling very happy either. I feel bad about my weight and body. I don't have the greatest eating habits, but I workout everyday. Usually for 45-60 minutes. Plus, all my meals are actually quite healthy I just like to snack or eat ice cream (and a reasonable portion too--a scoop or two, nothing like finishing a carton!) How in the world can I be gaining weight? I think the stress is doing it, but then the weight just creates the cycle. Plus I stress and comfort eat. Great.

I'm also feeling dissastisfied with life in general. I know I'm not doing much with it right now. Living at home is taking its toll. I feel increasingly moody and withdrawn. I wish I had more friends to do things with, but the thought of "going out" sounds exhausting. I sometimes crawl into bed before 10pm just because doing anything else just sounds tiring. I like being with Jeff...but he's increasingly cranky too. Not having a job and living at home is taking a toll on him too.

Plus, we've had some arguments...about completely silly stuff the last couple of days....and fighting at all just makes me feel sick to my stomach. The PMS monster is also feeding at all my doubts too. I don't know what I want to do with my life or with Jeff. I love him and I think we could be very happy together. But I'm ready to start that chapter of my life. Not having "permission" to do so I feel is stunting me. A part of me just says "now, now...it's going to be ok"--what do I expect marriage to do for our relationship that isn't in existance already?

It's just a nice sense of stability, plus getting married brings the promise of so much. It's like permission to begin a plan and start this whole new direction. Not that I or we can't do that now...or can we?

I want to sit down with Jeff and be serious. And really map out some goals for our personal lives and for our relationship and then start getting on track for where we want to be and do. I'm struggling with getting to that point with him. I can't just have a conversation...i'm a, lets put it to writing and really map out some direction. I don't think he wants go that far. Or, am I just not trying to really have that conversation?

I guess it hurts...because I don't know why he doesn't want to marry me. Shouldn't he be excited about us and the possibility and our future? All his excuses are fine and valid (I guess) but they're mostly financial and there's no reason we couldn't still talk and plan for things. The truth is, he's not really ready to grow up...and I think I am.

I am.

The worst, is I don't think my parents really care for him. I've always sort of thought this but I couldn't tell why exactly. I didn't know if it's because he's sooo polite around them that he looks unfriendly and unapproachable? Is it because my mom takes it personally that I always want to go to his house instead of inviting him over here (which she can blame on him more easily than me--although, she does that too, la.) Is it because the only time they hear me talk about him is when I need someone to complain to? (I'm not exactly in the habit of sharing when things are flowery and what not--look at this diary as an example!)

What is it?

Sometimes, I feel like I'm in a Seventeen magazine and I'm one of "those" girls who's in a bad relationship and all of her friends and family agree and she's just mixed up in all of her cluelessness and excuses.

He's 25. He lives with his parents. He still goes out every friday and gets "trashed." He is in a job he hates that has nothing to do with his degree. He's been job searching for almost a year and a half.

Or...he's a september baby, so he's always been the older kid in the group, plus he had a five year program in college. He lives with his parents but he has a lot saved up and he's only living there because he's looking for a job out of state (ahem, I live at home too, so who can talk?!). He still goes out every weekend, but okay, most people I know...do. He doesn't like his job, but at least he's working. Plus he's in a hard field to get into and the economy is terrible.

We aren't engaged or married because he's too immature and won't commit.

Or...we aren't engaged or married because he is not in a position to support himself or us until he has a job and his/our own place.

You know what disappoints me the most, though? Are some of those core values that I let slip but I don't think I should. Things like my spirituality or my social beliefs (like women's studies) I simply don't feed because there isn't any space to have them in my life when Jeff is. Perhaps Jeff wouldn't reject me because of my spirituality....but I don't think he'd participate in it. Perhaps I could consider it a growing experience to discuss issues that we would disagree on...but it never was like that. Women's studies....to him it's just BS or stupid. That's not really a conversation.

I don't know...I don't like feeling all negative when I think of him. He still means and is so much to me. I don't know...I don't know. My whole life is feeling so crappy right now, and if the only good thing is him, then god, i'm in a terrible state, if these are the thoughts i'm humoring!

We can be so much and be so good. It's not even bad now. It's just...not great. Plus, I've just been so mentally exhausted from work...I really don't feel like being with anyone right now. I feel like i'm playing the bad girlfriend because i'm choosing a reality TV-show to take my mind off things rather than go see him. My mind is so tired from multi-tasking that I go to bed early because I'm tried of thinking. It's terrible.

My job isn't so awesome that I should be so consumed with it. There should be things in my life that bring me true joy and satisfaction. So what is it and where is it?

I just want to feel loved and appreciated. And I don't know Jeff is really giving me that. At the same time...i'm such a brat and so moody all the time...I feel like, who could possibly love me?

And, I'm a young, smart, attractive girl who shouldn't ever have to think these thoughts. I'm living in a happy middle class suburban world...I shouldn't be having these sickly, stupid thoughts when life is pretty good. Then why do I feel like this?

I don't know how to get out of it.