11 April 2000

I am: happy, sad, rambling, deep, floaty, eating an apple, and thinking about a lot.

No big event to reveal, just some thoughts. First off: d-land reviews. I was really bummed about the whole deal about killing people's review pages off. I got rid of my guestbook because I enjoyed the page so much. I thought i was fun to look at people's info, and what others think about it. So if anyone out there wants to host a new place: please do so, I'll sign up!

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, so will it keep me from being pregnant? I keep telling myself I am not, and I seriously do believe it, but I can't help but think, "what if..."? And every weekend I go home I want to tell my mom that I've (sort of had) but more importantly thinking, about becoming (for real this time..) sexually active.

But how do I say that? I mean, first, I'm sort of projecting that. I don't know for sure I'll be having sex soon. I am definitly predicting it, but I'm not having it yet. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know....

I just wish I could say...okay, I can't even imagine the perfect situation. I don't want her to ask questions. I don't want her to judge me, although you naturally are going to judge other people's choices. I know I just met this guy, and i feel like a stupid teen saying "i know what I'm doing," but really, i do feel like that. It's my choice to do what I want with my body. I've already sat down with myself and worked it out about how I feel about it, and I feel okay with my decision. It's not that my virginity isn't important to me, or I'm just waiting to "give it up already" I just...

I could give it away to Chris tomorrow, or I could wait another five years. I'm ready to start having sex now, but I just....I think it's too late to romanticize about waiting until you're in love to lose your viriginity. Not that the concept or ideal should be thrown away, but for me personally I don't think it can be applied anymore. I give myself away like candy in a parade(3eb). Sex. Love. Relationships. Kissing.

I like...being close. And not for the sake of being close to someone like that. I just think it's this fascinating process, this feeling, this human emotion of being and sharing yourself with another person. And it's not so much the way people kiss that differs between everyone, but the reaction, the feeling it arouses. The Bond.

And like so many things in life, I can't help but place myself on the scientific sides of things, and take my role of the psychology student studying people's behavior. Today's project? Relationships and the study of courtship.

Time commitment. Chris and I are going to see Dave Matthews play in concert June 19th this summer. That means, that we will still be seeing and talking to each other by the time June 19th rolls around. On any average day there's no way I would project myself so far. Even if I was dating someone, I'm not sure I would do something like that, and especially not with someone I've only seen a few times. Admittedly we've progressed the average few dates stage, but still....

Chris....he's like, completely wrapped up in me. And while it's wonderful to be worshipped ;) in some small way, I just don't want him to be caught up in this mess of lust and puppy love. I don't want for him to one day have all his blinders come crashing down and not really like what he sees. And while, I think I am worthy of some...worshipping (as i long as worship him back just as much) I don't think we know each other well enough to be at that stage. I think he's definitly a cool guy, and there's potential for us to work something out, but still...i work slow, and i have to give it some time.

There's this disbalance. Who has the hand in the relationship so far? I would say it's me...he obviously at this point likes me more than I like him...but he's the older one. I can't help feel intimidated by him.

Oh wow, I don't think I realized that. Thanks d-land! Intimidation.. Hmph, so I'm intimidated by him. Well, that makes perfect sense. It's just that he's older, and has all this experience, and he's flowering all this flattery and attention on me, and i just...don't know what to do with any of it. Why me?

Basically, my frustration with him, is that, i think i am a cool person, and I have a lot to offer someone else, but that is a very personal and deep part of me, that i don't think that I've really revealed to him. I mean the gist of "us" has been dancing and chillin at a club, a lil hang time on the beach, our night at the movies and our, ahem, night in my dorm...as well as our night in his hotel room? ;) I don't...I can't, I don't want it to be based on a physical relationship. I'm definitly not looking to start out my whole sexual relationship....as purely a sexual relationship. I want to find something, some content there. Besides, even though I haven't been in necessarily compeletley sexual relationships in the past, I just don't want this disbalance of attraction and hopes and goals.

And I know Chris would be totally cool if I didn't want to have sex, but....if that's the case, then what? What have I really shown him that makes him like me so much? I haven't seen him in two weeks. I hope he hasn't built me up to be some perfect princess in his mind, because I'm not.

For Mark, I promised that I would go out and get to know the people that enter into my life...and in fact, try to bring as many people into my life as possible...so I can get to know them too!

Part of me just likes the kill. I like being able to just get a guy to like me, to want me, but I don't...I need to stop. Basically what I'm trying to work out here, is that if something can work between me and Chris. I'm going to find it. That's my project for the moment. Analyze and know Chris. Share myself with him. I don't mean like that, I just want to be completely real with him, and to dig as deep as I can into his mind and soul to find something that connects us as one. I'm always saying I don't have anything in common with anyone. But I don't think that's true, I think I turn myself off, and i exalt my position as this....something. Underneath all the layers we have the same fears and desires. I need to get to that.

And on the way, hopefully I'll expose myself to new things, new creations, new passions, and new, just in general. Hey, one of these days, spring has to begin. I'm just staying with the seasons. It's time for change.