21 September 2002

I haven't had 'net access again for awhile now and I'm not sure when I will have it again (supposedly cable guy is coming on the 30th, but then we have to network the house, etc). So who knows. But I hope soon, living without the internet is a terrible thing.

It's like I don't know how to do anything, because I always hop on to research things--be it phone numbers or locations, just simple information...then there's email, dear diaryland and so on. Most of all I miss weatherbug, it's like without that constant reminder of what the weather is like I'm completely clueless as to what is going on out there.

I actually starting writing a diaryland entry a couple of days ago offline so I may or may not post it when I finally get internet up. It's so weird, because it's like....I don't feel comfortable posting stuff that already happened, I mean if I write it earlier. Somehow...so many things have changed from each entry it doesn't feel right to record feelings in history that may or may not be present now. Does that make sense?

So Jeff and I weren't doing so well for a bit there. Well, I didn't know if it was us or something, but he was going through this really down period. It was only for a couple of days but when you're used to the heavens opening up and showering you with their love each time you see the person, two days without that felt like weeks.

I moved into my new place and Jeff wasn't sleeping well there, even though it was his bed we were using. I figured he would just get used to it, but I didn't know what to do to make it better. Little did I know he wasn't sleeping because he was thinking so deeply about our relationship that he was losing sleep over it.

I thought it might be about sex.

Because it often is.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm 21. We should be having sex like little bunnies and instead we barely make it to bed. I don't know if it's because we see each other every single second of the day probably or what, but it is hard to get turned on by someone you are so comfortable with, just...I don't know. I've never been a super sex fiend or anything, but I should still want to have sex.

So a couple of days ago I was really concerned with it, because it seemed even though I was trying to have sex (for him) my body wouldn't cooperate (figures, you can't trick your body into getting aroused just becuase, huh.)

But I do find him attractive, and I do want him to enjoy himself and my body, and his body, but it's like...sometimes it doesn't matter and my body doesn't work the way I want it to. Can you have sexual disfunction at 21? If I could pop a female viagra I would be a much happier girl. If you know of such a thing let me A HREF="http://books.dreambook.com/aglaia/aglaia.html">know.

The last two days of Jeff's "darkness" (not speaking to me at all--still being courteous, saying hi when I say hi, but other than that nothing) were pretty bad. And I figured I had to be involved somehow but I didn't know exactly what. I asked him if it was me and he said he was all pissy about a design project he was doing for his mom--which could have been true.

Sometimes things like that do get to him, and it doesn't have anything to do with me. So I kind of let that excuse go for awhile, but then he throws out a, "I need to talk to you tonight" while we were at work.

Whew. Talk about scaring me. I think my face just fell after that. I was shaking and hyper-ventilating. Definitly hard to keep serving after that, because I was left to wonder what would happen. Was this it--was this the end of our relationship?

I didn't think we would really be finished but I knew whatever was weighing on his mind had to be pretty heavy, and I was scared.

After work I didn't call him right away. I think part of me was angry. I hate how he just disappears into himself sometimes, and the last couple of days had been hard on me, because I didn't know what was going on. Couldn't he just play along while he was thinking it out?. Finally he calls me, and asks me what I'm doing.

I was working on a budget for the quarter and he said he'd talk to me later then. Of course i tell him let's just talk since he wants to but he keeps pushing me away and saying he'll talk to me later then. I ask him if he'd like to come over (no). I ask if I can come over (no, he'll talk to me later). Finally I explain to him that I won't be able to do anything until we've talked because it will be all I can think about, so I ask if I can come over again, and he says "whatever". (Thanks, Jeff).

I talked to God for awhile. I tried pulling on CWG knowledge for awhile. I knew whatever happened, ultimately I would be okay, and I just needed to actively choose my future...my present, my life and I would have everything. Easier said than done. But I think it helped calmed me and I basically asked that I wouldn't cry the whole time. Because I like to cry....over everything.

So I go over to his place and stand outside his door for a couple of minutes, heart beating. When I go in we both try to act casual and just ask about how we did at work and so on. Finally he asks me if I want to sit down, and I do. He tries to speak but it's really hard for him to do. There's a couple really long pauses as he tries to collect himself.

"I had it all planned out in my head what I was going to say but..."

When he does speak he tells me that he loves me so much, and he knows we're right on so many levels, and he couldn't be closer to someone than he is to me. As friends we're the best, but as lovers....we lack the physical closeness that a couple should do.

He tells me that, "Grandma and Grandpa are doing it more than we are." (And believe me, I wanted to laugh too.)

And oh, god, he's right! It's so awful. To be so wonderful, so almost perfect and to have sex ruining it? I just want to scream what's wrong with me.

ERgh, I have to run to work. Sorry to leave you hanging but in a nutshell we agreed to work on that part of our relationship and we made up. A couple of times--wink!

ag.