10 June 2000

Tell a girl she's beautiful and she will eat it up.

Even if she doesn't respond positively when you say it, scoffing at you or however, she'll think about it. She'll think of you saying it. It'll repeat in her mind. Even if she doesn't believe she's beautiful...after you tell her, continue to tell her, she may start to believe it.

I admit, it's an incredible form of flattery if/when a guy tells me I'm pretty. Continues to tell me how much they like me, how attracted they are to me. I know that sounds...full of myself, just, I think anyone feels that way. After awhile though, it does begin to....you begin to feel like that's the only reason they like you. So, it's hard for me to hear it. I don't even want you to tell me. Don't talk about my looks, don't say anything.

It doesn't matter, that even if you said it, I would love it. Because I don't want you to say it. Because the moment you do, it does begin to affect me. I want to be beautiful for you always. As if I didn't rely on my looks enough for confidence and such, I don't want to worry about them when I'm with you. I want to be myself. I want to think about other things other than going to the bathroom to brush my hair or re-apply the lipstick.

So it may sound strange, but I really like Jeff....because he's never said one single thing about my looks. LOL. He can call me a dork, and I can eat that up, because we are totally silly with each other. I know that isn't *really* a compliment, haha, but it's so much better to think about that and smile and laugh, instead of some comment about my face.

Now...I love my face. :) I wouldn't want to trade it. But it's nice to be appreciated, or at least, think you're liked because someone just enjoys your company opposed to having you around to parade. Parading versus hiding is always better though. ;)I'm always waiting for it though. For him to say something. And relieved when he doesn't.

At the same time, if he's not saying it, you lose that guarantee that he does like you (whatever the reason!). But at least it keeps the power equal. Always guessing!

I saw Jeff last night. Like a girl with a first crush, I gleefully ran around the house, squealing to my little brother that he called me. I can't decide what in Jeff inspires this in me, but it's kind of fun. :)

I called him on Thursday sometime midnight plus and left him a message on his cell. Hey, I needed to somehow manage to fit that...home phone number in there. Getting on 5pm the next day I'm beginning to wonder if he'll call. I know, I know, not even a full day, but he usually responds to calls reasonably fast, and since he *never did* ask for my home phone number...who's to say he even wanted it? ;) Jeff and me...I keep guessing. Which is probably why I'm getting this high off of talking to him, being with him. Keep guessing on exactly how you define us when it comes to....us.

It's silly really. My sis keeps asking if we've had the "what are we" talk. I'm not sure if I want to have it. Didn't I tell myself to be careful after Chris. I don't want to live up to the saying of once a cheater, always a cheater, and can I really trust myself if I find myself with a boyfriend? It's so easy to think about Jeff, about how much I do like him, spending time with him and talking. Isn't that one of the reasons of going into a 'formal' relationship? It's a declaration that you want to be with that person only (and him to you!). And right now...I do only want to be with Jeff.

But I said the same thing about Chris.

'Course you must ask the same questions of Jeff. I'm not really sure what he wants out of 'us.'

But hey--good question--what do *I* want out of us, anyway?

(...thinking...)

As a friend, I think it's cool to find someone who's in the greek system, as well as not connected to anyone else I know. I love branching out and meeting new people. We also have a lot of the same tastes, which makes a good base just for someone to talk to--and we have that. I obviously like him more than just as a friend though.

But beyond these generals...what do I want out of this relationship, ultimately?

Maybe I do want a boyfriend.

I'm having a friend/social problem. How do I bring friends out....to atmospheres they don't regularly socialize in? The closest I have from the people I would hang out with (church kids mind you) is Holly. But Holly stayed at home while we all went to school. She didn't experience the party stuff. I still stick to my, you don't have to drink to have a good time--even if there *isn't* dancing going on. (That makes it harder though, of course, haha) Holly is reasonably socialable, but i know I was...kind of down on the whole party scene when I first started going out. We were, after all, pretty much conditioned to not like it.

We didn't do it in high school. We didn't want to do it in high school. And sometimes, it is stupid. It is pointless. And other times, it's just hanging out and enjoying people. But I mean, Holly has never seen me drink, although I've told her I do, it's just....like I don't really have any friends here in the area that I can take out.

Part of it too, is you want to bring friends so it isn't just you...say if i'm going to a party with Jeff and his friends. But....it's also a lot harder to sneak in some "us" time with a friend around. You have to cater to a friend, because they don't know anyone other than you. The invited by the barely invited. It's hard.

Tonight, oh wait this is funny. So last night while driving, Jeff is like, "yeah...my parents are going out of town tomorrow night and they're making my brother spend the night somewhere else." Ha, I felt like I was in a sweet valley high book, and the guy was trying to give me a big hint or something. Lol, but it lead into the fact that he'd probably be having a little party and such. So bring friends, right? Who do I bring? And I don't really *want* to bring anyone. I mean I do, but, say I bring Holly. I'm going to attach myself to her arm and never leave her.

That's not a healthy way to mingle, although it does comfort you in those moments of la la la. It's hard to escape those moments filled with party go-ers you do not know. I can't believe I have to leave and be home by two. I'm objecting. Curfew at 4am. That would work. I'm finding two to be most disagreeable. Last night, it was like...people were still just getting there, when we were leaving. Jeff had to stop drinking two hours previous so he could drive me home (most appreciated, I didn't say a thing he just stopped drinking cuz he knew he had to drive.). That's not fun for him, and I don't really have a functioning car to drive, to drive myself, and who wants to drive their self to a party where they know exactly one person?

Not me!

I'm not using my computer, don't have my list of "favorites" so I'm not exactly surfing my d-land people. I'll see what I can do about my 'picks of the day' list below. I'm not sure when my computer will go up--if ever. My older bro is moving out, so he's taking our little computer lab in our basement with him, so we won't be able to network stuff, and I don't know if anyone really wants to disconnect this particular computer, just to put mine up. (which is probably slow, and filled with my junk...what about the rest of the family who has their stuff saved on this one?) Might have to step up to that $150 challenge to buy the connector thing.

I know I'm a circle, and I continue to overlap and repeat things that ebb in and out of my mind here into this diary. I'd say I'm sorry but I'm not. Just recognizing the fact that I repeat myself...a lot. :) Helps me work stuff out. Bye!

P.S. I like to whore. Lol.

Oh, and this is too funny:proven.