3 November 2000

I love pictures. I remember when I was taking photography/visual philosophy (uh, it's a private joke) and we were discussing the use of the "snapshot". We talked about the over-use of these posed pictures, and if they really represented reality, if they could hold time, if they meant anything. I think by the end our teacher had us believing the common snapshot was a waste of space and time and ability. That by stopping whatever you are doing (assuming a good time) to take the picture, you thus stop having a good time, to re-create "fun" which is really...impossible.

I tried to argue that sometimes just taking the snapshot is fun. If you've ever filled up a camera with "drunk poses" from a night out with your friends, I think it's a blast, lol. He said he won't let his wife take pictures of his son or anything. He said it created false memories, or really, created nothing. I think, for me, if I take a picture although it might not "freeze" the actual reality of what was going on (before/after or even during) when the picture was taken, but it helps trigger memories of that time.

Especially with my memory I depend on a lot of my pictures to take me back. But maybe that was his complaint. We try to use pictures to make up our past, when we *should* be relying on memory alone or something. But even memory is tampered with. Our own mind, with time, tries to make all past decisions right (it helps keep you healthy, thinking you make good choices and such). It also fades, and we always remember things focussed around ourselves and our thoughts and our viewpoint of the situation. I don't know if a picture changes any of that, but...

Even if it's just a marker of age (which he also didn't agree with, but I can't remember why.) I don't, so afterwords I tried to stop being so camera happy. I mean, for the most part I usually like my snapshots. There's always a few that look fake and such, but I mean...then don't hang those up--

Oh that was another thing. How he talked about how we always pick out pictures where we look good...even though the pictures that we look bad in are just as much (if not more) how we really are. So the "bad" ones you throw out (or hide? ;) while you display what you *choose* to see, or choose to believe you look like.

Anyways, enough of that. But basically, I love pictures. I love looking at myself, my friends, my family, the way the picture just grasped a moment. Real or not....it still, happened, you know? I try to get back in my head in the pictures, try to remember what I was thinking, what I was feeling.

I've gotten some pictures of Jeff and I recently. It's funny, because maybe I do take reality out of my pictures. Like, when I saw my composite picture I remember gasping and thinking, oh my god--I'm sorority girl?! I *am* a sorority girl. It's like, seeing that picture, I almost....just then realized that I was, even though...I did know already (obviously.)

So looking at these pictures of Jeff and I, all of a sudden it's like, I just realized....that I have a boyfriend. Isn't that funny? Like I'm looking at these pictures, and we look so...classic. We look together, we look cute? Haha, I don't know, wow I have a boyfriend. Hey we're a cute young couple in college. Hehe, I know I'm being dumb, but it's like the pictures do all of a sudden make it real to me. It's fun. :)

Oh I've been going through this "poor me, I am worthless to society, my life is pointless and I'm a waste to society" cycle. It's (as you can imagine) depressing. So a lot of tears and a lot of sleep (poor sleep at that, with nightmares) has been passing by. It scares me when I go to bed at night, just praying for the next day to be here already so it can be done.

Not to always be relating life to Dave songs, but I can't help but fear that now I'm the one, living my days for another one. I don't know what I'm trying to live for though. For the weekend? From a break of school? I'm really not liking it (or more directly Spanish.) It'll be a lot better hopefully next year, with spanish all finished. It's just going to get worse though. I mean I'm supposed to be in a review class and I cry everynight. Try to imagine learning new concepts and such (then again, I guess that will be like *now* because most of it *is* new concepts to me ;) Haha, oh well.

I seem to be in good spirits now for some reason. (Must be that work-out I did last night.) Exercise, fruit, water, IBprofin and neosporin are my wonder drugs. They fix everything. :) Try them.

This weekend I think is going to suck. I have to spend the night at my home-home with my brother not here at school. I mean, I get my dad's car, so I *can* get around and come down to campus (as long as i make it back to my house to sleep) but really now....that's the whole point of living on campus, is that you can go out and then just walk home and go to sleep. Besides, if I go out I'll probably be drinking, and I'm certainly not going to drink & drive.

I have to get up early and come back down Sat. morning too because i want to tailgate and then go to the football game. And then Sunday morning I have to get up at 7 in the morning to take my brother to ice hockey practice, start getting ready for work, go pick him up and then rush to work. That's gonna suck. But I mean, I know I'll survive, I just like to complain.

I'd like to have people over but I don't know if I will. I mean I guess it's just fun to be somewhere different, even if I would just have some girls over to watch a movie or something. Or I could take this time advantage to do something with Kat, Holls or even Chris (Tim's bro from church), or all three. Get back with the old crew. Or I could stay home and watch TLC with my brother (we love that station ;). Or we could watch a movie, or I could play Civ all day/night long, or play on the 'net, or go to bed really early. ;)

Or I could try to get a co-ed group over here, and possibly some drinks. It's just so much to pack people in cars and go somewhere (when it's only 10 minutes away). It's like why leave, when you can just drink right there? BUT I mentioned something to Jeff about getting my brother drunk and he seemed to like that idea. ;)

Haha, I think I would be scared to intoxicate my brother. First I would just feel "bad" giving my younger bro alcohol and second with my luck he'd over do it and spend some loving time with the toilet. I *cannot* clean up after other people's throw-up, because it just makes me sick to think/hear/look at it. I guess if we stuck to beer and no liquor I could probably watch him, but who knows how much the boy could take. He's never drank before, but he's not exactly skinny. He's not fat either, just...got some stuffing around the middle. :)

But actually I would just like Jeff to come over and hang out with me. We haven't seen each other since Tuesday (hot sex at 8 in the morning before class, who knew?) I don't know, is that "wrong" to have a guy over with your younger sibling? I guess, well, first of all my brother is 17, so it's not like he's completly oblivious to what's going on ther. I wouldn't want to make him uncomfortable, but at the same time he's like my best friend, so I don't really feel all the weird...knowing that he would know, say if jeff and I would sleep in the same room.

Oh diary I keep getting these flashes of happiness. :) Love my jeffrey ;)

I was IMing randoms late last night/early in the morning. I guess the whole 12 hour of sleep thing, caused me to stay up until 5 in the morning the next day ;) I had people left to right trying to cyber with me. Which I didn't. I was talking with this guy "Jeremy" for a long time as well as my James. Jeremey quite the explorer, with 22 years of age had done quite a few experimental things. He said his biggest fantasy was to have a girl use a strap-on with him. (woah.)

I said mine was a threesome, and I couldn't decide if I wanted two men, or a sampling of both sexes. Speaking of bi-sex, I ran into my bi-sexual girly from theatre class. Just love that girl. HAha, we all ran into each other on the sidewalk (well not literally, but you know what I mean ;) and we stopped and yadda yadda'ed until we were in la la land. I wanted to ask her for her number so bad. I felt so...exposed though? Like somehow she knew....that I knew she was bi, and I was curious about it? Haha, isn't that funny. Anyway, we just stood there, la-ing (I consider a "la" moment where there's just this dead area, of OMG-->does that make sense?) So finally we said our goodbyes about 5 times and finally departed. I'm about to write her an email, is that too weird?

She's a really cool girl.