2000-07-10

(Yesterday: at the host stand, bored, and writing. ::sigh:: I'm a dork, I think I left "part II" of it--there, at the host stand. I am forever embarressed if someone read it. Haha, no, I'm not. It's not a huge deal, but I was being stupid in it, I know I had to be... )BTW this entry goes on forever, but I promise tears, sex and wandering thoughts, if you read long enough, haha.

::Stress bubbles...being prepared::

I never asked to be loved, or deceived. Or to have giggles run up my spine for no [spectacular] reason. Do you ever have Namaste wash over you, and you can't figure it out? It makes me wonder as my eyes cross another--was that a false signal from my brain or some deeper meaning? Do you think there are deeper meanings?

I will miss Snatch. I wondered and wandered through her deeper meanings.

Is holding back tears like holding back a sneeze--a wrongful shutdown of a pause in eternity? Stress bubbles. Like perspiration, but dripping instead off the hinges of my lungs, my heart; my blood. Caught between an impersonal, but deeply emotional connection, and just minds and the bodies who hold them who don't know me, nor me to them. My hand raised, my frustration and anger to my love, and the tears in my eyes barely, but just barely holding themseleves in. Grasping so dearly, like a child to his mother. I didn't want to let them go [I did want to]. I didn't want to le them see me cry [she told me not to]. But between every deep breath--that just made me want to release it all--not gain control [that i've lost], that I need, and desire back, I realize that I wasn't prepared.

And all of a sudden that girl scout motto rang in my ears, like a [burst, with words un articulated.] Be prepared. It's almost like that's all you need and what could you possibly not conquer if you were? Be prepared to risk feelings, be prepared for the consequences, be prepared for that moment, be prepared to not get what you want, and be prepared with what to do next. I love you.

Someone told me once it causes brain damage to hold in a sneeze. I never really believed her--but like any urban legend I guess you don't want to test your luck. So as I'm walking down the stairs, leading my guests to their tables, I was placed in a [small] dilemma, as I realized as I was seconds away from sneezing. More than the fear of brain damage (just kidding) I didn't want to sneeze around tables and well, restaurant=food, and sneezing=unsanitary, you know? So I try to snuffle it, once, twice (uh, achoo?). Hehe, I think in my attempt to miss the nearby table (success!) I sneezed half directly onto the menu I was carrying, as I turned away from them. Uh, here you go, enjoy your meal. Yeah, that's disgusting.

Well it continued a bit from there, (don't worry, it got better, haha) and then into part II that I wrote, but (god, I hope) it's just lost (i don't know how, I just took this part out of my purse) somewhere in my room (also not likely, my room is actually clean, and it's not anywhere) so anyway, yeah, laying there at the host stand. I don't remember where I went into the next part. Something about the movie Singles, and small markers of a "man for you" and stuff like that. I don't know, I just hope I wasn't trying to make jokes to myself (because i'm a dork ;) and someone picks it up and reads it.

Some of the servers had to have seen me writing up at the host stand--although no one asked what I was writing, and I don't particularly care to have them read it. It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. I will survive. (Hey, be prepared to be discovered ;)

I worked a cool 11 hours yesterday. I usually work three hour shifts, so you can imagine the shocker that was to my body. I was fine, even though they put me as they only host, on our Sunday brunch morning which is reasonably busy and I definitly was tired from running around the restaurant. It was only between 3 and 4 that I broke down, and the stress of changing shifts, doubles on their breaks, and the rest of our servers either on their way out, and new servers, late or unready as usual. (Nothing like having a restuarant full of open tables--although mostly dirty--where are those bussers? ;) and no servers on duty.) What the hell am I supposed to tell customers coming in? Uh, 20 minute wait, we have no servers?

Yeah right. So yeah, I almost cried, I freaked out on Bryan when he flew one of his lines at me, and the two servers who had just come in refused to take tables outside of their section (which were either filled or dirty from the morning.) Sigh, so yeah, I had my couple minutes of panic, a half hour full of just breathe, aglaia on the edge wanting to cry minutes, and the rest of the hour to apologize to a [grinning] Bryan (he probably loved the fact that I almost burst into tears in the side station) and to try to get a rotation going with servers (who are constantly placing conditions on me--i'm smoking, don't sit me, I'm in the kitchen don't sit me, I don't feel like having tables, don't sit me, my friends are coming in, don't sit me, I think I might be closed soon, don't sit me.) There is nothing like having sections, that are deemed un-sit-able. (Always poses a problem to questioning guests, and managers.) Someone is always mad at the host. We really have more power than you think we do. ;)

Hey, how's that for making "real" paragraphs?

I go through cycles--how I wear my hair, how I do my makeup, which pair of jeans/pants are the fave, food I eat every single day for...however long the cycle lasts ;) Anyway, my d-land fave cycle is on Scud right now, and there isn't even an outstanding reason for it. (Just because you're so cool, scud ;) Haha, anyway. So I'm reading his entry of lists (sort of slamming on the ladies, but funny no doubt) and my brother is reading behind my back laughing with me, when he shouts out, "hey cool, I'm adding him to my favorites list!" (Ahh, no!)

Not that I wouldn't want scud to gain another lovely fan of his stuff, but how terrible would that be, if my brother, was reading scud and somehow managed to get back to me, and my diary? That's trauma on a high scale I say. So anyway, I tell him that's not a good idea, and shoo him away from the computer. I will have to hope for a bad memory and all that good stuff. C'mon, scud isn't usually that funny, brother, you wouldn't like him... Haha, j/k Scud, I love ya.

Queerscribe makes me laugh, he's a good writer. It's interesting, because although I would never say anything like "being gay is wrong" or anything like that, somehow the whole gay men sex thing has always kind of leaned into that "gross" section in my mind. Probably because I read the book, And the Band Played On maybe at too young, and naive an age, and the gay sex that was (sort of) graphically described in the book (perhaps graphic to me? ;) was kind of a shocker. I was learning lingo and things that I wasn't sure if lil aglaia was ready for.

But then I read queerscribe and it doesn't bother me at all. I'm so happy I found him, it's like reading into his mind, and you see how much he's just like anyone else, and no matter what the sex of those you desire, really at it's simplist level, we all share the same feelings, wants, desires.

Speaking of sex, I hopped on over to whores today. I haven't been over there in forever. Seems there is a trend of "when I lost my virginity" entries. Of course, my first wasn't anything creativly done as losing it to my best friend and her boyfriend (both) at the same time. Interesting.

And speaking of sex again....I got me a little Jeff last night. It began, as I called him once I got home from work...he was out cruising with his boys--seems they were on the quest for ping pong balls for a little beer-pong game. Well, I have ping pong balls I say. (Great.) They're coming over. Pick up me and the pingpong balls, and we're off to this girl's house, whose parents are not home. Her name is....michelle I believe. They played outside, a table already set up and almost magically in the "spotlight" of the outside lights to the porch, the only theing illuminated.

Very nice backyard. Go Upper Arlington, and the peeps with money. The crew: Cameron, Devo, Nate, and Andy. (First two are last names.) Actually, they call each other all by their last names, including michelle. Ah, boys. Some last names are easier than others though. ;) Haha, but anyway, I've met some of these boys (if not all, the memory is bad) before, so it was alright, and now I'm working on names so all is good. I drink close to 5 beers (never actually getting to play, just watching boys throw pingpong balls, drink beers, and scratch themselves. la la la.) As always, I'm happily content to just sit there. :) (I get along everywhere.)

Jeff and are cute, messing with each other, and joking about him and his boys previous times. It seems they have a history of breaking into pools and going skinny dipping. Would you do it? he asks. Um, okay? Haha, I didn't feel that drunk, but who knows. It's good to live. I did actually skinny-dip before. It was in sixth grade at a birthday party--does that count? One of the girls tops came undone, and we just all started joking and laughing, and we ended up all stripping. It felt so awesome. I can still close my eyes and remember it. It was like this huge bathtub, it felt great.

But that was before we all had boobs or pubs, and grody teen stuff. But hey, if they were all getting naked, i guess I couldn't exactly complain, and stay on the edge while they all got in. But instead of swimming, Jeff and I decided to go, him grabbing my hand, and kind of just sneaking away, not even saying goodbye. Of course they started yelling at us, once we were around the corner. But anyway, we were already laughing, and walking back to his house. He was like, oh my god, I'm going to have to get you cab home, I can't drive! (Shaw, I'm not going in a cab.) Anyway, it's not even, or maybe was exactly midnight, so it was still early to sober up.

Get to his house, and I go to the bathroom. I come out like la la la, where's Jeff? So I just sit down in their tv room, just chillin' by my lonesome. Then his younger brother comes around the corner like, uh, where's Jeff. (I dunno. ;) But he's down in his room, so I follow. He was probably wondering, why I was just sitting in his living room all by myself. Anyway.

Go down to Jeff's room, and it's just a rush for mouths, fingers and bodies. That's the alcohol no doubt, I usually sneak peeks as I'm kissing, but this time, it was like we were falling into each other, our eyes sleeping closed, and our tongues feeling out like an ants feelers, smelling and looking for us. Then all of a sudden you wake up, your eyes flick open and you remember who you are, and what you're doing, but for a moment there's just the kissing, just the touching, and this is when all of your clothes are on.

The bra is unclasped, his belt is undone, and we're tugging on each other, strugging with cotton threads, over hips and knees. When he finds himself sliding inside of me, it's like he's found the perfect channel, and it breathes a sigh, and a hello that he's home. This time our lips move more freely, parting, speaking, breathing, whispering. I hear my name, and bite my lip to hold my grin. Usually I'm the one, leading, holding, asking him here, or me there, and he asks me to go on top, and I do. His hands attracted, pulled in always trying to find the spot, that makes me cry, and I'm pulling his hands away, because it's too much (like it usually is).

So we slow down, then we speed up, and he leads, then i lead, and he's telling me how good I feel, and we're cooling down, his hands tracing the curves of my body, and everytime I motion to slide away, he pulls me back to him, kissing me, my body, and all of a sudden I'm kissing him again, but he can't get inside of me, too dry, too sore, and I wish he could, but he can't, and we go back to being quiet but still loving until we fall asleep. And by (god's grace) or whoever decided to wake me, I find myself looking into the glow of my watch seeing that it's 2:51 (my curfew is 3:00) and I wake him up.

His arm (my pillow :) asleep, we get up, find our clothes, and he drives me home. Goodnight, I walk inside.

My mom, actually was away for the weekend, I was almost considering not coming home at curfew earlier in the night. She was awake and on the courch watching tv when I came in. Good thing I was home for curfew, huh? ;) ?I'm glad I woke up, and still really suprised that I did. I never wake during the night. How funny would that have been if we woke up the next day like at 10 in the morning? That would have been terrible! Ha, ah....

This is kind of gross, but sort of scary as well. I awoke, and I'm all swollen....there. I seriously feel like some mutant freak, my lips are so pink, and huge, like someone stuffed them with jelly. It doesn't hurt, I'm just really puffy and huge, which sort of feels weird. I feel like I need to stuff myself back inside or something. I hope the swelling goes down. I bet this is why he couldn't enter me again last night. I hope this isn't serious, and it goes away by tomorrow. I stuffed a bag of ice down my shorts, think that'll work? Hahah, alrighty then.

Okay, well I still have lots of stuff to say, but I have to get ready for work, and besides this is getting too long!!