07 November 2001

I keep meaning to write but...well, you know how it is.

Jeff is taking human nutrition next quarter, and since I'm in the class now he asked if he could use my notes and my book. Now, being the anal "must get an A" girl that I am, I've always had issues with giving my notes/old tests away. Of course, I have no problem taking other people's but...

And even though it bothers me sometimes, I always still do it. In fact the whole Greek system saves their old tests and puts them in a "study file" so all the next generation of classes can look over old tests. Anything to help out a sister...

I guess I'd rather just give it and not think about it. It's hard to do a lot of work and then let someone else just slide by. But, I was definitly going to give Jeff my notes because he's my boyfriend, yadda yadda, I want him to do well. It's not like he cares about any of his non-design classes anyway, so why not help him get better grades?

BUT, when he asked for my book, I just assumed he would be buying it off me. Friends past have traded or bought old text books off each other, basically because it's a good deal for everyone. If I sell the book to a friend, I will make more than if I sell it back to the store, AND they will pay less buying it from me (because all the bookstores rip everyone off anyway!). But, imagine my surprise when Jeff got really offended by the idea that he would actually have to buy the book from me.

His logic: It's not like I'm losing anything, I'll just sell it a quarter later than I intended. You help out a friend, and life goes on.

And I guess I understand it, but even though I'll probably only make a measly 20 bucks from selling it back (even though it probably cost me closer to 80.00) I look forward to selling my books and walking away with 50.00 dollars (ahem, too bad you spend more like 400.00 when you're buying them.)

Well, this whole convo was taking place over the phone, and he was obviously annoyed with me, but I felt like I was just being guilt-tripped into handing over my book. I'm a taurus, and believe me I'm stubborn when I want "my way". And my way says, NO, he should buy the book off me and sell it back when *he's* finished with it.

So we kind of ended the convo, and hung up. Never-mind that I haven't slept in my own bed probably for a couple weeks and it was really weird to just go to bed and not be invited over. I asked my girls if I was just being mean and selfish, and they didn't see any problem with me trying to sell my book to him. In fact, my roomie is taking the same class next quarter, and she said *SHE* would buy it off me if Jeff didn't.

So, I had just crawled into bed when Jeff called and asked for me to come over.

*sigh* Just like a boy would do.

So I went over, assuming the issue was over, and acted like "happy-go-lucky" me, kissing up on him when I arrived, happy I didn't have to sleep alone. I was almost laughing I was getting into bed because I was thinking how weird it must feel to have another person sleeping in the room (for my roomie). Anyway, he was acting reasonably cold, and I figured I would just have to make up for it in affection.

Of course, that's always my reasoning and it never works, because Jeff is just as stubborn. Finally, as we're drifting off to sleep, he brings the subject up again. And we kind of argue our points, and I can tell he's really frustrated with me, and I have that same guilt-tripped feeling, and I guess at this point, I'm pretty whatever, so I tell him he can just have my book/notes, etc. Sure it bothers me, but I'll get over it. It's not like I'll be bitter the whole quarter or anything.

Of course, then he throws out that he doesn't want my book/notes, because it bothers me and he'll just find it from someone else (a "better friend" if you will.)

I feel like I'm in middle-school with this argument, and I know it isn't going anywhere. I figure he's getting my book, and I'll just shut up.

I think this was just an issue to argue�underneath it he told me he had a frustrating day�with money being due for multiple things (fraternity, parents, car accident) as well as just an overall frustration w/ school and all that goes along with it. I guess I�ve never really sat down and sat about his situation and what he must be going through. This is technically his fourth year, but his program really requires you to go for five years to graduate (you�d have to be accepted into the program right off the bat as a freshman, and it�s pretty competitive and most kids don�t have the skills or portfolio anyway). So all of Jeff�s friends will be graduating this year, and he still has another one after it. A lot of his close buddies have already graduated (or are graduating this quarter�cuz they are older than him) and then the rest of the crew will graduate this year. So not only is he experiencing a bit of �senioritis� I�m sure, he�s also about to lose all of his friends. Twisting it around and imagining it�s my fourth year of school and �super six� is about to graduate�.

That�d be kind of a bummer. To say the least.

He doesn�t know where he�s going to live next year, doesn�t even know if he�ll stay an active member in his house (or just go alumn). All along in my head, it�s just been a convenience�or good luck�that I found an older guy, who I could potentially be with for a really long time (or gulp, longer!) and he�s graduating with me. I don�t know if Jeff�.would stay here for me.

He is so talented, and he�s going to do really great in his field, but he can�t stay in this city to be all he�s worth. Er, almost, to be anything at all, he really needs to go�and I understand this. And I�m already thinking now, that if we�re going to continue to be together once we do graduate, I�m not going to be staying here in my city. And that�s okay. Because I�d like to live somewhere else, not that I don�t like my city�it�s where I grew up, and everything familiar and comfortable is here�but I want to be able to experience this world. And even if all that means is taking a step out of this city, or state, or many states, or even out of the country to experience living away from my family, and what I know, then that�s a good enough start for me. I hope to be able to travel a lot. I�d rather spend money on a trip, or a vacation, than a really nice house, or a fancy car, etc. Okay, sure, if I could have both, that would be great! But, I�d rather hold onto all those memories and stories and sights, than to be able to merely live in my physical world of tangible things.

So, coming back to Jeff, I know he�s going to leave the state most likely to further his career. And at least at this point in my life, I want to follow him. And, I�d probably lose him if he were graduating this year. I would feel bad if I made him stick around, and I�m not sure if I could keep up with a long distance relationship, even though we are both in love. Long distance�I think for some people it does work. But it would be hard in so many ways. I would also still be talking of college things, and once you�re out�.it�s like dating a HS person when you�re in college, everyone�s worlds and values are changing. Even the little things that are important to you are all different.

But�he IS graduating with me, and while that�s fabulous for me, I�m not sure what next year is going to hold for us. I think�it�ll be a lot different. I never really thought of it being so different from now, but he�s not going to have that friend source like he has now. And sure we spend every evening together, but that leaves a whole lot of day where we can be on our own, with our own friends, and do our own things. I mean, if he would move back home for the year�that would drastically cut into the time we spend. It�s kind of scary to think about us fading apart�especially when we�re growing so close now.

Our relationship is a bit stagnant, but I�m not sure what �the next step� would be. It�s not stagnant like I�m thinking about other boys, but it has fell into a routine. I still get excited when I see him though, find myself smiling in class if I begin to think about him or things we�ve said the night before. I want to be with this boy, and I know we can work through whatever is going on. Obviously he�s going through some�I don�t know, maybe it�s a moment when you realize you�re growing up, and you have to really start considering your future and the rest of your life. I can�t see myself without him right now. He�s so important and connected to so many aspects of who I am, and I like who I am when I�m with him. I don�t want that to change. I want us to grow and I know we can.

A few days ago somehow we (jeff and I) started talking about religion�oh yeah, I had a dream he was Jewish (hey, I dunno, it�s a dream ;), and I said something random like �are you happy being Catholic� and he busted something out like, �are you happy being an atheist�?

I�ve never felt so attacked, and so crushed all at the same time. I say I�m in love with this guy and he doesn�t even know about my incredible love, and relationship that I hold with God. So much so, that he just figured I was an atheist, because I don�t ever talk about it, or church or anything. That�s not what I want. I don�t know why I�m so scared to tell who I am. I kind of just mumbled that the closest �religion� I could associate myself with was Advaita Vedanta, a form of Orthodox Hinduism and we laughed, and I said I was serious, and he said he knew, and we were both just la la la-ing, and that one just kind of ended. I don�t know�I want him to know me, but I�m scared I�ll be looked at as some freak. Even though he�s non-practicing right now, he still considers himself a Catholic, and I just can�t handle being attacked again. I was so burned by being a �non� (Christian) too many times before, and I can�t handle putting this ridge between us.

And I knew at some time, it would come out and I would tell him, but I was waiting for a moment. I didn�t want to just explain who I am and what I believe, I wanted to share it with him, and awaken him. The fact that he is non-practicing is proof enough he doesn�t full-heartedly believe everything he has been taught. I remember I once kind of showed him that, �uh you�re a Christian�but you�re having sex with me�� and I could tell it really bothered him (guilt wise) and he just kind of mumbled he didn�t think God cared about as much stuff as we think he does. So I don�t know if that�s just an excuse to have sex or if that�s and opening of doubt. I didn�t really bring it up again�er, because I didn�t want him to stop having sex with me, lol. Besides, I couldn�t explain what I believe, without preaching it, or basically �selling it�. And without some step that he is interested, that he wants to learn, or he�s approaching my ideas with at least (somewhat) of a open mind, I won�t feel confident with what I�m saying. Not that I don�t believe it completely, but that I�ll try to give the �blah� version, to not put myself in such a threatening position.

The fact is, when I tell him, I have to tell him everything. It will be a really long, and emotional confession. And I say confession, because I have hid my beliefs, but at the same time I want him to�believe me. I can�t have my boyfriend doing the �sad puppy� thing. I don�t want to be viewed as this lost and confused girl who somehow got wrapped up in �inventing a religion� or �swayed by new age crap�. I didn�t choose to believe what I do. It was born with me. I have studied the world religions�not only in class but on my own. I had a thirst for want, for understanding this earth and why we are here, and it was not a fun search. If anything, that seeking can make you feel more confused, more lost, and more frustrated than anything else. And then this book (CWG) fell into my lap, and everything in it made so much sense. And wasn�t being �taught� to me, I was remembering. I wasn�t just picking and choosing, I was knowing. And everything I believe rings so true in my heart, I can�t really believe anything else, because it feels false.

And I tried to explain this feeling to my (super Christian friend) that I couldn�t help that I wasn�t a Christian. And I really tried to believe the things they did, because it would almost make my life easier. They have such awesome fellowship right there in so many places, and a bible to sell their story and a clear cut purpose to faith sell, etc. I feel alone, a lot of the times. I wish more people were seekers, I wish more people could see the world from my eyes, and I�m doing what feels right, and what feels true to me. If the devil has crossed my heart, then I can only hope that God can see this and forgive me of my ignorance. HE can say he gave me the bible, but he cannot deny that I have tried and wanted, but so much of it feels wrong to me.

I don�t think I am the �only one who believes it� either. Why do so many Christians fail at being �good� Christians. I don�t think it�s the devil, I think it�s because they�re living unnaturally. I think they�re fighting themselves, and they need to go out and find what�s true for them.

I hope when I finally do give myself to Jeff, he can see that I am earnest, and he will not judge me. I can only hope that somewhere in him, there is a spiritual side that he has not shown to me either. I love him, and if he could see where I see the world from a spiritual side, and not just all the other sides that click with us, then I have truly found my soul mate.

Wish me luck.

ag