• Hot guy friend has since entertained me in my fantasy ever since. La la..

• Job interview lined up for next week with a meeting management company downtown. Sounds promising.

• I went to the gym every single day but didn't even lose an inch or a pound! Hmm, is someone doing a whole lot of boredom eating around the house all day??

• I am bored and getting annoyed with all of these online forms to use their job hunting website. It's like, let me upload my pretty .pdf resume and move on already.

• Jeff cooks with too much oil and butter. He has also rejected my 'boca burgers' (ah yes, those delicious soy patties) without even trying them. I understand, the concept is not so great....but if you bake them (not listed as a suggested cooking method but you will love me for it, okay), apply a generous amount of condiments and toast some bread you will like it. Really!

• I think our house is cold unless if it's in the high 70s...can't help it, I get cold easily :) I mean, I feel absolutely chilled to the bone, my feet are freezing, I can't feel my fingers.....it's rediculous I know. Jeff is 'dying' b/c it's soooo hot if the place even reaches 70 :(

• Getting ready in the morning when you don't *really* have anywhere to go is getting old. I don't even wear that much makeup or really do my hair but being a girl comes with some prep. I tend to 'let myself go' on the weekends. I mean, I'll still shower but I won't put on anything but moisturizer and I'll let my hair air dry. But here it's like...I might need to go somewhere and if I need t leave the house I should look respectable. Especially b/c you never know who you might meet. See how lonely I am? I am now 'girltalking' with my journal on hair and makeup. Ahgh!

• I think I have found a good volunteer opportunity. The group is founded by and geared towards 20-30 somethings. They help out with lots of different charities and groups so I would always get to be doing something different. The pictures on the website at least appeared to show nice, normal people of my age helping out so I'm hoping it could be a great place to make friends and give back to the community

• I will, unfortunately, have to make this trip into the unknown by myself because I doubt Jeff will go to anything like this. Being on my own isn't so terrible, I just don't want to show up and there be all these cliques already formed. I am just too....the idea of knocking down a clique is too exhausting. I think that is why I find Amy and friends a bit too much out of my league. They're like those HS girls that have been friends forever, daddy pays all their bills and they probably make fun of you behind your back. Great huh?

There is something about love that I haven't quite figured out (okay, no one has) but the best way I an describe it is as this tender-patience. It's tender because it's so soft, delicate and purpose-filled. It is careful, precious and wrapped up in adoration. Patient because it's so willing to do anything to make things right. It's quiet, thoughtful and hopeful. And that, somehow this tender-patience is what that magic is about. There can still be love without it, but that love....the love that feels so right and so good and so full of everything is wrapped up in the tender-patience.

Jeff and I are missing that. I think it is possible to continue to have a relationship, over many years, and still hold onto that tenderness, but it is a challenge.

I was reading in a magazine the other day that people have an evolutionary tendency to be "pair-bonded" for at least four years (the time to raise an infant) but that after that the "drive to create more genetic diversity" results in the ending of relationships so that new ones can be found. I'm not sure if I completely buy into that, but it sounds about right regarding our relationship. It will be five years in June. There's been so much good about us, but I'm just not excited about the relationship.

It's a confusing struggle in my mind because he's so comforting and so familiar. I can't really think about myself without him. Our personality, our behavior, it's this blend of who we were, creating this new us. Back to that tender-patience I guess I'm still stuck on....how does one lose that feeling? What do I need to be doing to get that back? I know I've continued to pump negative thoughts into my head over time, and it won't be as easy as saying "just kidding" and moving on. How do I find that feeling? How do I get the motivation to be in that state of positivism.

What do I really want?

I want to be adored. I want to feel truly desired and...respected(?) by the person I am with. I want my opinions to be valued. But don't I get that from Jeff?

I don't know, maybe I am not right for a relationship right now. I feel so...abnormally un-sexual that it's hard to even think about what it would be like to be excited again. Sure, 'hot guy friend' gave the imagination a few enjoyable things to think about...but it wasn't a realistic picture.

Agh, I still don't know what I want. Haha, I want friends! It would be great to have a really great girlfriend. It's been so long. Jeff has been it for the past five years. I've had friends and of course I love Heidi and she's been great, but our friendship potential never really blossomed to what it could have been if I didn't focus so much on my relationship with Jeff.

And, I don't necessarily regret my choices; as I've said before, I put a lot of time and energy into something and when it comes to friends I haven't figured out how to spread myself out. It was Jeff that captured my relationship energy and that was/is fine with me. If I could be a little more flexible that would be great of course, but I haven't got to that point yet ;)

Plus, as much as I adore Heidi and enjoyed Jenny or Kathryn I've never had someone I could *really* talk to about my relationship with Jeff. Heidi and Jenny haven't had a boyfriend since they were in HS and Kathryn...well, now she's in a long-term relationship but since I don't know how far she's gone with him, (ahem, I tend to stay away from any talk that would lead me down *that* path of discussion with her) I can't really delve into all the issues that I am experiencing.

I could talk to my mom, but most of my conversations with my mom leave me raging on the inside or with one of us in tears. I feel like Jeff isn't the highest guy on the totem pole and I don't want to give her anything else to complain about. I could talk about with my sister but I'm still ashamed I've hidden the fact that I had any dissatisfaction at all. Plus, we really aren't that close and being intimate with her about things so personal feels really awkward...plus, our family tends to revolve back towards my mom. Likely if I tell someone something, mom will find out...we can't help it, she just does that to us ;)

I can't say I've lost hope with Jeff and I. I think somewhere in there we have something that we could be happy with. I'll admit, I think there might be someone better out there for each of us. That is still scary and painful to say, but...we've hit a plateau and it's up to us to make that decision to really make this work. To really find out why we're so invested in each other and what it will take to pull out that potential in both of us. I think it is possible.

I think, as always, I need to talk to him. The more I concern myself with it, the worse it gets in my head. That's the real problem. I guess, because I don't have any solutions I have a hard time bringing it up. If it was as simple as "pick up your socks" then perhaps...but, all I know is I'm not satisfied...and then I worry about him not being satisfied...and it just cycles around until I start feeling real bad about myself and the state of things and he may have no clue what's going on.