It's not that my mind has emptied out--or maybe it has--except it empties out through thoughts and internal conversations that I am continuously having with myself. Already today I rationalized the importance of young girl crushes (er, not crushes on young girls--but the importance of having a "heartbreaking" crush when you are little.)

I also philosophized the role God plays, why if God wanted all of his children to go to heaven than He could have worked out a better "plan" than the Christian one. Why life is continually evolving, that change isn't bad, or wrong, or against anything that God stands for, but everything He does, which is why a stagnet Bible doesn't work. That it doesn't display a loving God to me, and he certainly isn't Understanding.

The way it looks is God doesn't understand a thing about his people, or else he'd understand the way our minds work, the way we run, why we do the things we do. I don't understand this idea of "sin" the idea of "hell". It all seems so primitive. It's so small. So unwilling. I love the part where God is getting ill and is about to so some wrath on the people and Moses is like, "uh, God, cool it." (okay, he might not have said it like that ;) and God....did.

It was like this burst, God...like that? It just...doesn't make sense at all. Ramble without back up. I'm speaking broken thoughts without the extra tangents and filling, the thoughts.

But I restaurant theory for most of my day. And don't do too much at night, so I haven't been writing probably because of that.

And now I'm wavering off the last shreds of drunkeness (I wrote the top part earlier.) Dear Jeff, spotted me online, and told me he had been drinking [but] was going to have his brother come over to get me. [so i could drink too. poor little brother.]

Good deal for everyone. I guess his brother, Mike, wanted to learn how to drive stick shift anyway, so it took 'em awhile to get over here but they did. Drove back to Jeff's house, and we drank some "nice" natty light. It's all good. Goodness it's been so long since i've drank. What--maybe since that time i went down to visit guitar boy? Yep, that was probably the last time, and I couldn't give you a date on how long ago that was. But whatever, i mean drinking isn't that important to me, but I had fun tonight.

We laughed and joked and messed around. I was wearing this strawberry shortcake shirt, and then he found out i got it from a catalog--opposed to it naturally being this old shirt from my childhood. He (jokingly) told me I had to sit on the floor for the rest of the night.

So I was like "fine!" and I sat on the floor. Of course, he followed me down there, which led to some of our best sex ever. I even managed to get him to take me doggie style (which I think he enjoyed a lot :) as well as going "risque" (hardy har) and sticking his finger up my ass (which I know is kind of grody, but I can't help it, it feels soo good.)

It gets to a point where I just dry up and swell up, and I really just can't take it anymore. We took it far beyond that point, and I was crying at one moment. I mean, obviously not hard, but there were tears in my eyes, and my cheeks were wet, and, I mean, Gawd, it hurts. But we were so much more vocal, and everything about everything was so wonderful and good. I even managed to do my own fingering (which is a total first for me!) and he seemed to like that as well. ;)

Did I tell you we had all these great chats before the sex? We talked about growing up and the social environments we had. (His rich/preppy/private schools opposed to my mixed/public school bring up.) We talked about blacks and gays and opinions concerning both. I guess he used to be reasonably anti-both before college, but now is really relaxed about both.

Which I am so glad about. I just couldn't date, or be with someone who was anti-anything like that. Because it just blows my mind when i meet someone like that. You must open your mind and broaden your knowledge of things. So bonus points for a new "college-fied, open minded Jeff".

Dear, dear Jeff so wonderful.

Did I tell you my bartender still wants me? Dear, dear Beau. You would be an interesting date.

I want to talk, I want to go on and on, and tell you stories and rambles and such, but it's 4am+ and I really must go to sleep. I have to be up by 9.

Bye, ag.