I'm not sure what day it hit me but it did come all of a sudden. This was it, and I was ready. I was ready to be Jeff's wife and to move forward with us. I just felt this simple, quiet realization that we were going to make it, and that I was happy. Simply filled with happiness, and a hope I hadn't experienced in a long time. There had been a wistful hope. Something of a "oh, that would be great if it were so, but I'm not sure if it is..." sort of a feeling.

But when it hit me this time it was....a grin, just a goofy, happy, I'm doing this and we're going to be okay. More than okay, we're going to be awesome and I feel so good and confident about that. I think, after all the talking we've done together, I honestly feel like we can get through anything.

I hope we can make the conscious effort to stay true to this and that we will always turn to each other and not to our inner selves. At least, for me, that is the hardest. I expect to have all the answers, or at least with a little introspection some guidance to what I need to do. But, I think I know now that if I�m feeling wrong, or low, or bad...I need to talk to him. And I need to be honest about the bad things with him.

Too often I do feel like if I point something out that I don't like about Jeff or him or us that he just turns it against me. He'll either jump to a defensive or he'll beat himself up so bad that I get "punished" twice. But, we've talked about that...and he does beat himself up, but it doesn't mean that it shouldn't be discussed. He agreed to and acknowledged that he was doing it without realizing it. Now that we both know a little more about how we react to things and how we process pain and hurt I think we'll be better prepared to face future challenges.

Does knowing there's a potential 'ring' out there affect this? Yes. I honestly haven't thought a lot about it because it didn't matter. I had to worry about us working first as a couple again before I could even think about getting into an engagement or a marriage. But, now it's like I've been able to move into this new place. And it feels so good to be excited and hopeful and to have this desire and passion for making something of 'us' --I'm really happy about the idea of us finally getting married.

As far as the physical ring goes I think he was able to return it. So, he may not have the money for it...it could be gone and lost already for all I know. That's okay too. Knowing that he [was] ready to finally move forward means a lot to me.

I still need to talk to him about his faith and spirituality. This is still important but I feel a new sense of...I don't know, a different sort of confidence that we'll be able to talk about this now and I don't need to be so worried. At the very least I think we'll be able to share what we do believe and I feel good that he'll be able to respect and support me even if he's not in the same place as me. I hope he will connect with my same thoughts on life, and if he doesn't, then I guess I'll see where that goes and how I really feel about it.

I'm broke. I've never been like this before. Right on the brink of using your credit card and not being able to pay it off...it's a terrible place to be in. I will hopefully get my deposit back from my last apartment soon as that will help tremendously. I also switched car insurance companies and my original company is supposed to reimburse me around $150 for overpayment. But, they have been a nightmare to work with (which is why I was switching) and I have a bad feeling I will never get reimbursed.

I'm really worried about the money situation. I don't know what to do. I am obviously living beyond my means but...not even because I go out and spend a lot of money on fun things--I don't. I mean, I already feel like a bum because I never go out so it just sucks that I'm so low on money and I don't even get to have fun with it. Since I have that anal personality I've been tracking my expenses (down to the overdue fines at the library) since I was in college. Yes, I actually do this.

I'm so used to doing it I don't think twice about keeping receipts and tracking them. So, I know exactly where my money is going. I'm not sure how to cut back is the problem. I think I may spend too much on food (grocery that is, not necessarily going out which I usually do twice a month--is that a lot? I mean, I'm a 20 something in Chicago, so, I think I'm being reasonable, right?)

I do like to cook, though, and that can get expensive. I look at my new roommates and they pretty much live off cereal. I mean, they it for snacks, meals, that's it. I'm using the entire kitchen with ton of prep plates, three different things cooking....I like to eat. :) That just sucks, because it is one of the things i enjoy doing. I'm not even super fancy and I mostly eat chicken or ground turkey so it's not like I'm buying these nice cuts of beef or anything.

Sigh. I'm worried though and I've been looking at my bank statement every single day just to compute numbers in my head. I don't know what to do. I'm kind of thinking I might need to get a part time job. The idea of that just...well, it breaks my heart. I think I would be miserable.

Maybe that cereal diet isn't so bad......

I'm not quite sure how much money I would have to make from a part time job to make it worth it. I really wouldn't want to work more than two days a week --does anyone even hire someone like that? I've thought about entering into retail hell b/c then I would get discounts on clothes...except, I have zero start-up funds to buy clothes that are current. The hourly rate seems pretty terrible too. As much as I disliked serving it did seem like the best way to make extra money. But, it's so unreliable, and it would only be worth my time if I could serve at a really upscale place on a weekend night. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it.

I think I'll wait to see how things look once I get my rent deposit back. Jeff thinks I pay too much into my retirement. I'm currently doing $250/month into a roth. My financial advisor would like me to move up to the max of $333 which I would love to do, but (obviously) can't right now. I don't think $250/month is too much. It is a lot of money (especially when I'm feeling the crunch) but I think we have a responsibility to think about our future.

This is the amount I "pay myself first" and I don't want to change that. I have definitly scaled back on my student loan repayment which I also hate. Before I was doing another 250+ a month into that, but since moving to chicago that's been going lower and lower. Now I try to shoot for $100. I think my actual min. payment is around $40/month but that just seems rediculously small. I hate having debt and I hate knowing I'm paying interest on it.

Ugh, if it wasn't for those major car repairs over the last few months I wouldn't be in so much financial pain. Of course, the fear now is if something comes up I couldn't pay for it. That's really scary and I hate feeling like this. I'm trying really hard to scale back but it's hard. I already consider myself a bargain shopper so....it's hard to see what to cut back. I mean, I pack my lunch everyday, and I don't have a lot of fringe purchases.

Jeff comes home on Tuesday. I'm very excited to welcome him back. I'm looking forward to hearing about his stories and seeing the pictures from his trip. Most of all I can't wait to just hold him.