This is continuing this entry.
So you're at the club, just waiting for your roll to kick in. And it's kind of weird because....well I feel dumb, and i know that's not a good explanation, but that's how I feel. Believing the little raver kids to be "true" lovers of the music, it's hard to pick out the "real" fans in the crowd when we're all dressed normally. So here I am, all dressed up, standing around, I feel dumb because I'm under-age, and when you're under it feels like everyoneis 21 up, and everyone is staring down on you.
And when I first walk in a club I like to take in the scene before I start dancing. First, I feed off other dancers. The more people dancing the better I am...and I don't think it's because I'm shy to dance in front of others, I just think that seeing another really good dancer, actually makes me better. Kind of like my style is a merge of everyone around me that I've ever seen and liked, so without anyone new to "feed" off of, dancing isn't as much fun. So I'm at the club, and since i'm under, it feels more like i'm just some prep who heard about a "good time" and i'm there basically to roll not to enjoy the music.
Which I could say you're partly true...but not really. I only seem to make it out to the club when a big person is there to see/hear. Digweed/Sasha are definitly worth my time, and I was going to be there whether rollin' or sober, drunk or just plain present. Unfortunately I think most people there are there because of the drug scene more than the music.
But I go both ways on that. After a roll you appreciate the music *so* much more. So perhaps while not following the music scene closely, they can still experience everything I love. The experience on a roll is long lasting because you form a bond with the environment, with the people, all the lights and sights, and the music. It becomes apart of you, and it's something that stays with you. I'm sure if I would roll to a rock concert I would have a similar fascination with that type of music too. But....I think I would still best enjoy the roll under techno, because the deep beats and bass are just crazy. To feel it in your heart. And even sober you just know when a song would feel extra special inside of you, or a particular effect would be humming inside of your heart and brain were you on a roll.
So basically, there's all of this [expectation] wrapped up in the anticipation that makes it awfully sad when you start to realize....it's just not coming. The disappointment is hard to take on many levels, you're kind of pissed you wasted your money, you're jealous of those around you who are on it, plus all of a sudden you're surrounded by people who are sharing this event in a unique world, and you're out of it.
I can't describe what my favorite part of the experience is because they seem to all overlap. But learning from my dear sweet raver boyfriend, he told me to remember everything I feel and experience, and then take that out into life and recreate it. So I did. I talked to people, and created the connection, I watched the lights and took them in, I closed my eyes and let the bass sweep me away, and I danced. And I had a good time. I watched my boy, sweaty, and touched him all over, kissed him like we were the only ones in the room, and we shared moments of "truth" with each other and got any little worry out of our bodies.
My favorite part of the night? A 40 year old "mom" asking me if I was "rolling" (she was decked out in a mom outfit all the way, it was pretty funny). My next favorite? Jeff telling me that from now on he's just going to "love the hell out of me." Ah.
Me too.
