17 March 2003

PMS is pretty terrible sometimes. I have a whole range of symptoms that can occur, with some months being worse than others, but this one has been pretty bad so far. I was spared the awful pounding headaches, but instead was tortured with lower back pain.

It's hard to really describe the back pain. It's a strong, throbbing pain that practically cripples you. I want to just bend over and stretch and complain, because nothing helps. Medication, diet, exercise.... nothing can block it out.

I also had a few embarrassing over-emotional episodes in the past couple of days as well. Now, I'm an emotional person in general so I understand how some could wonder where the "real" Aglaia begins and PMS jumps in, but these were real emotional "attacks" that I experienced.

I was over at Jeff's house, we were drinking a beer, and he turns around and I'm just sitting there crying. I felt.... horrible, as if my insides were so depressed. I felt so incredibly...wrong, and sad. And I knew I looked dumb, and I would rather not have any one see me like that, because how do you explain to a guy why you're just sitting there and crying over nothing, completely out of nowhere?

Then at work on Friday I had another "attack" and I had to run to the bathroom and cry for a few minutes. Ahh, it took everything in me to not walk out of that restaurant. I was *so* sensitive that everything was getting to me. I mean, something dumb like forgetting to bring someone lemons for their water was making me hyperventilate. That was such a terrible trapped feeling to want to leave or hide, and there's nowhere to go. Besides, you always have something to do when you're serving so I didn't really even have time for my quick bathroom break.

It didn't help that I had a confrontation with my boss at the beginning of the shift. My boss has decided to give us all 3 tables and then rotate 2 tables between all the servers. Well, we all have our own issues about the three table section (ahem, it sucks. Think, if half the time your third table isn't sat--because it's a large table (6-8pp)--then it's like running two tables. So not only are you bored out of your mind, you're also not making any money).

So, it used to be that two servers would luck out and get the 4-table section on the weekends, but since the sale disparities would be so high, my boss thought it would be fairer to rotate the tables. Now, I agreed on some level that would make it fairer, but to make it easier on the staff and especially the hostess I think it was fine to just have those two servers have the larger section.

I would rather rotate those larger sections each weekend between servers, rather than make it confusing by having an extra table outside of your section every couple of hours, but anyway. Well, if you're going to rotate a table that's fine, but it should go with server rotation, with each server getting an equal chance to have one of the tables.

But instead of doing that, my boss decided that the rotated tables would be given in order of server arrival. So even though I was the only server in the whole restaurant to have a table, when the "rotated" table was sat next, I also received that table (because I was first in--sorry if the Restaurant Theory is really boring/confusing you!)

Which is completely dumb. Why should I have two tables while no one else even has one? (Although, at the time I couldn�t *really* complain about the situation ;) Anyway, so I bring my boss around and tell him that whoever is next in rotation should get the "rotated" table. My boss is kind of a big, greasy, hairy chest-kind of like a used car salesman type...except he's the head chef. Haha, that makes it sound really disgusting, but he's an excellent chef, he's just a little rough around the edges when he's dealing with his staff.

He tells me that we're going to do it his way. And I try to explain that by doing it his way, at some point in the night, someone is going to be really busy, get sat in her rotation, and then immediately be double sat by a rotated table. Well he got real huffy puffy with me, and told me he didn't care what I thought, because we were going to give his way a try.

Fine. What do you know, but my very complaint happened to one of the servers. Just as she was sat a party of 8, she immediately got sat a rotated table and she was running around scrambling to get to everyone.

I wasn't trying to disobey my boss or act like a know-it-all, but when you're creating policy that directly affects someone else I think you should take into consideration what his or her points are. His argument was that his way would "work" and we should see how it goes.

And I agreed that yes it would work.... I mean, even if you were double sat, you would manage, but I think if you're running a business you should strive to do better than "work"--how about efficient and successful? Bleh.

So I was *very* angry after we had our argument. I am a quiet person in the sense that I very rarely cause ripples or complain. I'm the type of person that just tries to go with the flow even if I'd rather do it another way. But when I feel strongly about an issue I am going to speak up, and I did feel strongly about this however dumb it was, because it just didn't make sense for him not to take my argument into consideration. If the other servers agreed, then why do you have to insist yours is the better one? If we were just giving an idea �a try� then why not go with the one that made sense to the servers and hostess not just you?

Then, to make it worse, I'm talking to Jeff about it (we work together) and telling him that I hoped [the boss] wasn't mad at me for trying to "defy" him, because it really isn't in my nature to make a scene as we did. And Jeff is just annoyed and tells me that I'm making the whole thing a bigger issue than it needs to be and that our boss has probably already forgotten about it.

And while those things may have been true, that was the epitome of "boy/girl miscommunication" because all I needed was for him to stand there and listen and agree, or whatever, not to tell me to get over it.

Then I'm talking to him about how our boss just always has to be right. I mention how the other day we were watching CNN at the bar and he was making comments about protestors and how dumb it was. And all I said was that I thought if they wanted to protest they should have a right to. My boss completely blew up at me about the war and Iraq, and it was like--hey, I didn't even say I was anti-war--all I said was protestors should have a right to protest, and he thought everyone should support our government no matter what.

And when I look to Jeff for a response (assuming he would agree) all he says is, "you and your women's studies..."

AND HEY--that had nothing to do with women's studies; I would have said that with or without the major. But even if it did have to do with women's studies (which it didn't) why the fuck does he care if that's the reason or not? So I give him a dirty look and tell him he's not helping me feel better it�s just pissing me off.

I didn't mean it like that. la la la, I just meant, that he wasn't helping me feel better. I'm already angry about the argument with the boss, and all I am looking for is some validation. All he needed to say was, "yeah, our boss can be frustrating sometimes" and instead I get that I'm blowing a situation out of proportion, and my opinions have been belittled to some minority "women's studies" voice.

So then he starts ignoring me for that comment, "fine I'll stop pissing you off." Which I suppose I deserved, but I mean, I was so emotionally sensitive that it was bad enough wondering if my boss was angry with me...I didn't need my boyfriend upset with me as well.

Bleh. So I apologized and told him to keep in mind my freaky emotional episode the night before, and that I wasn't exactly "normal" right now and if he could just support me instead of reject me I would appreciate me.

It really hurts my feelings that he makes women's studies a joke. That everything they teach is wrong, and dumb, etc. I get so much out of those classes. I leave with my mind open, and racing with so many thoughts. I feel like I've gained all these amazing critical thinking skills from being in women's studies, and I think there are a lot of valid messages that need to be heard and respected.

I'm not a psycho women's studies girl. I'm a very normal college person, and while I'm a feminist, because I believe in equal treatment for all (not just women) I don't think that position should be so threatening and considered ridiculous that I should receive the treatment that I do from Jeff. That's fine if he doesn't agree with it all, because I don't either. And it sucks and hurts sometimes that he completely disagrees with things that I do think are right or important, but for him to use women's studies as this inferior, pathetic way of being, I am really offended.

And I don�t want to feel anger towards someone I love. I don�t want to be the source of frustration for someone, and sometimes that�s the way I feel with him.

And then today, he comes over and tells me that three of the guys we were supposed to ride with have switched cars, so we only have three driving down. And that really sucks, because our gas costs just went way up, plus I�ll probably have to drive now, and we don�t have a place to stay in Florida. I think Jeff came over with a lot of built up frustration about the situation already, but I didn�t know all that, and I think I just got put in a really crappy position because of it.

So I ask him if we couldn�t still caravan down with the other guys (who switched cars) so at least we�d have a place to stay. I know I didn�t budget for hotels while we were in FL before the cruise, and that would really have to suck to start thinking about it then. And he says he doesn�t know the guy who�d we would be staying with. So I ask him if we talked to the other car though to see if it was okay, couldn�t we still stay there? And he throws a fit, saying he doesn�t know the guys in the other car well enough. That he has only seen them each like twice this year or something. I had class with one of the guys (who is actually the driver of the other car) and so I tell Jeff that I could talk to him (er, even though he�s Jeff�s fraternity brother, c�mon!). But Jeff doesn�t seem to like that idea. Then he tells me that the house isn�t even in Miami. And when I question about that he starts yelling and acting all frustrated, and it�s like�HELLO, I don�t know any of this, so he needs to fill me in, and not act like I�m this big bitch for asking about it.

Okay� so I take it that place is out of the question, and he brings up another friend who has graduated and also has a place in Ft. Lauderdale. So I figure that will work, and I ask if he�s talked to him about that. Then I get completely blown off like it won�t be a problem. And when I ask him�you know, don�t you at least need to tell him when you�re going to be there? He just blows up again, and tells me not to worry about.

So when are we leaving, I ask. He just starts moaning that he doesn�t know, and no one knows, and that everyone keeps changing their plans. He says he didn�t even know those guys had switched cars, he had just heard from another kid about it. I think he was angry/annoyed about that, but he didn�t need to take it out on me. He told me to stop �pushing� (it was this issue we had discussed out of this �relationship help� book I had read for class). But I tell him that I still need to know when we�re leaving. (He doesn�t know). So when are we going to know (I don�t know).

Grr. So then the question of our ride also comes up. We were going to take his mini-van, but now with only three people that probably wouldn�t be necessary. Unfortunately, my car is going into the shop tomorrow so I doubt mine would be ready. I don�t know if our third rider has a car or not. I�m not sure if Jeff�s car would be able to handle the trip as it is pretty old (plus no AC L Oh, god, I just realized that if we took my car I have no tape deck or cd player. Ahhh, that would be such an awful ride down.

This does suck pretty bad. I mean, a road trip is fun�.but not with your boyfriend and �some guy you don�t know that well.� Someone is going to feel like the third wheel�either Me for being the only girl, or the other guy for not being a part of the Couple.

Ahhh, all I want is some answers and Jeff is completely not working with me. It�s like every question I ask is just making him angrier, and it�s like�what the fuck am I supposed to do? Okay, you�re frustrated that the other guys dropped you and didn�t tell you�.so let�s figure it out, who�s car are we taking, when are we leaving, and where are we staying?

He told me that not everything needed to be planned. And I told him I didn�t want to just randomly leave for FL, I wanted to know what was going on, and he acted as if I was being completely outrageous for wanting that. I mean�even if we just drive with no plans, we still need to decide�.when we�re leaving, right? But even that question made him mad. So it�s like, fine you fucker, I�ll go call YOUR FRIEND, to figure out what we�re doing. What, should I call other men in HIS fraternity to figure out what we�re doing? I mean, this is completely dumb, there are 30 of his fraternity brothers going, and all my girlfriends are flying, and here is little ol� me. I don�t care if these guys are loosely �brothers� or true friends, it should be his responsibility to figure it out. There�s no way I would leave it to him, if this were a huge group of my sorority girls and then just him.

I feel so fucking angry, and there�s nothing I can do. It�s like I�m double screwed. Not only does the general situation suck, my own boyfriend is making me out to be this annoying bitch that won�t leave him alone. Well fuck you.

And I�m sorry. I don�t care, I know he�s just being a boy, but damn�fuck this whole situation. Oh yeah, did I mention something about PMSing�?

By the way�.I got a Brazilian today! Talk about looking like an alien down there. I thought I might feel like a prepubescent girl, I hoped I would feel like a porn star, but instead I think I look totally foreign and alien-like. I�m almost grossed out by it. Guess I�ll have to wait and see Jeff�s reaction! Haha, according to the link I have the �full bikini wax��completely bald, except for a few stray hairs. I don�t know if it�s because I�ve gotten more comfortable being naked because of Jeff, or what but I have completely no problem being naked in front of a stranger (okay, a doctor, not any random stranger ;). But I thought going to the gyno would really freak me out, but it was actually pretty stress-free. The woman who waxed me was really nice and friendly.

I had to go into a room and strip waist down. I was just lying on an [examination-like] table completely naked as she walked in for the second time. It felt sort of weird, because I didn�t even have a sheet or a paper robe to wrap up with. Being the sensitive type I was scared I would cry because I�ve never been waxed before, but it wasn�t bad at all. Sure, it stung a couple of times, but so does ripping off a band-aid. Not a big issue at all.

One year ago I decided that I had "had it bad"

Two years ago Jeff and I were getting intimate and talking about drugs and sex.

Three years ago I was about to leave for Panama City Beach--my first real spring break!